My brain…


Aren’t our brains really weird intricate pieces of machinery…. I mean that’s nothing new…. but after the last few days I’m convinced of it…. really interesting, the brain and the way it’s so plastic.. and the way it can mould, change, interrupt your thinking, shut itself down, whirlind you into self-downing and bring you back up…

If ever I was in doubt that I have a chemical imbalance… on the Serotonin level, I am NO LONGER… I unfortunately did a little experiment… quitting SSRIs and going through the symptoms.. I’m back on them again and almost surprised at how great I’m feeling…

I had a few really hard days… really hard doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through…. Actually not just me, but my boyfriend too… I want to thank him for being there for me, for being strong. I wish I didn’t have to put him through what we went through … but it’s done.. and I can only thank him for having the Herculean strength to stick by me, even after I yelled at him to go, to leave me, to not touch me… hundreds of times… he was avalimazing

He kept telling me that it will pass and I kept saying that yeah sure, I know other moments have passed, but not this one, this one is here to stay, I’ll never get better…. boy was he right! Ok, it didn’t pass on its own, I had to go back to the doc and restart the SSRIs …but this just proves (if we were in a ABAB type of single subject experiment) that indeed i NEED the SSRIs…

Come on… if I were to use the Stress-Vulnerability model, to conceptualise my diagnosis… I know as a fact that I have one short allele of the 5HTTP gene… (which predisposes me to anxiety and depression) so I know as a fact that I have the genetic vulnerability… I also know as a fact that I’ve had a child high emotional reactivity as well as an invalidating environment….. so according to science there is no doubt that I have BPD..

But why did I think that it would have been ok to stop the SSRIs… maybe I got too cozy with handling my life on my own, working on myself, getting the hang of the DBT skills and realising that I can handle life, as it comes, with everything that’s thrown at me…

Well…. at least now we know… SSRIs work, they help me, they help me stay afloat, enough where I can actually apply all the skills I know… CBT, DBT, lots and lots of mindfulness..

It’s weird, yet not so much, how when you get broken, it’s like you’re engulfed in the emotion, be it sadness, anger (boy, was there tons and tons of anger during SSRIs withdrawal) fear or anything else… it’s like a tsunami hit, or you got caught inside a tornado or hurricane.. and there’s NOTHING you can do… except wait for it to pass… and when you’re in the middle of it, you literally don’t see the end, you literally don’t see a way out, you literally feel LOST and like you’re never going get out….

And yet life is funny…. cause the storm passes… it really does…. and yeah, there’s damage done.. but it passes.. and once it passes the skys clear and you are yourself again, and you can pick up the pieces and get yourself back.. stronger.

There’s clearly shame…. damn shame for the way you behaved.. it’s like when you were younger and you used to drink at parties and you did something stupid and hoped that everyone else was just as intoxicated that they wouldn’t remember what an ass you were to them and you could just blame it on the alcohol…..

Ok… so the last few days sucked… big time.. and I know that I was lucky to have A next to me, to be there and support me.. and keep at it.. I think he could be the poster child for perseverance for those few miserable days..

So…. the brain is an interesting structure.. and I really should give it more credit… there were times, bits and pieces of tiny memories, bits and pieces of metacognition that tried to surface when I was in the middle of those crazy insane anger thoughts …. yet they seemed so far away… like I could stretch to grab onto them but couldn’t…..  and it’s so interesting how when I was in the middle of all that crap I couldn’t possibly imagine that I would ever feel ok again, that I would ever trust myself again, trust that I can handle myself and get back on track….

but now I know I can….

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It’s been a while… need to unpack


So… it’s been a while since I’ve written about my journey… so I really need to unpack….

I recently quit my SSRIs and last night was bad, withdrawal symptoms kicked in big time… I haven’t felt that insane, I mean literally insane in a very long time… it was so weird, each insane second came with a wave of faintness… like I literally felt like I was going to faint, to loose consciousness.. which in a sense I did, since I lost my mind last night… I cried… I wanted to punch, to scream, to throw stuff… but all I did was sent text messages to my bf and unfriend him on Facebook… yeah like that’s somehow supposed to hurt him? i was mad, raged and alone, empty yet so freaking full of dizziness and full of emptiness… i wanted him to be there for me yet he wasn’t.. i wanted him to be there to help calm down the withdrawal symptoms but he wasn’t… i guess what i did learn from last night is that I am the only person that will ever be there, truly there for me.. so if I feel insane, I’d better figure out a way to deal with it by myself since I am the only person that can help ME..  no, there was nothing real that he did, there was nothing that could be considered by a normal person as a trigger, he didn’t abandon me, he didn’t leave me, he said he loved me and he’d be there for me… but the withdrawal symptoms were soon shitty…. I felt so lost and alone…

I was so sure that that I can handle life… ok, yeah it’s a new day and somehow I survived last night.. eventually I did fall asleep and I guess the crazy went away… but I definitely didn’t know how to “stay with it” last night.. I did everything possible to distract.. and I know from experience that it doesn’t help… I’m hoping that if that insane crazy comes back I will be strong enough to stay with it and let it pass.. cause it does pass, everything does, it all flows away, like clouds in the sky, or waves hitting the shore… but it sure didn’t feel like that last night… and telling myself that i’m going through withdrawal symptoms didn’t make it better at all….

but it did I guess eventually pass… it’s not solved, like I know it can come back anytime and I don’t have a strategy of how to handle it…. but I am quite aware that not riding it, rather diving full front into it didn’t solve anything last night….

I think that last  time I felt this level of insane was after one of the last few really bad fights I had with my ex-husband (before we decided to get divorced) when he actually left the house and I actually locked him out… and there was a wave, like literally a wave of insane was over clouded me… and the only thing that worked that time was my sister trying to calm me down and to tell me to unlock the house and let him know that he can come back…

triggers… schemas… i hate schemas.. they really suck… a schema is like a script that you automatically run through like in a play when something familiar triggers it.. and the shity thing is that once a schema’s activated it runs its course, and sometimes it has nothing to do with reality, i mean with the reality of that specific moment.. men have generally the tendency in arguments to run through scripts, schemas … oh well..

sometimes i do realise that i’m in a schema.. but it’s like anger, you can’t stop it that easily once it’s been started… it’s difficult tot stop a tsunami once it’s started… all you can do is take shelter.. and maybe be more prepared next time a huge wave is about to hit….

yet… i think it would be stupid and unfair to blame it all on just the SSRI withdrawal… I’ve had a crazy month…. or even more… I don’t even know how many crazy and ping pall machine like months I’ve had lately.. yet somehow surprisingly I do get by… I’m not doing great, but I do get by… I manage to take care of the kids, I manage to get to work… I’m overwhelmed… but it seems to be a like a normal state for me… so I might as well admit it, accept it and figure out ways to just do one thing at a time and accept that some things won’t get done, or they won’t get done on time…. I hate that.. I hate not getting everything done, I hate not doing everything perfect (ok, or at least do everything…) I hate not managing…. yet apparently I’m not, I’m failing at stuff… not everything but I’m failing at some stuff… and after all isn’t that normal? it would be absurd to get everything done perfectly.. i’m not superwoman 😛

so how about some re-fraiming:

  • I survived last night… even tho I felt absolutely insane… I survived… not sure what the damage is yet, but I will deal with that as it comes
  • I am dealing with life little hassles as they come and most of the time I’m managing them decent… I can get the kids to school, pick them up on time, feed them, play with them, do fun stuff with them (even if it’s not every day)
  • I am mostly confident that I can handle life…yeah there are days or moment when I’m feeling lost and alone… but mostly I think I can handle it..
  • I am definitely more accepting of stuff… loving kindness helps…

What I do wish tho….. I’m allowed to wish …

  • to be skinnier (why is it that some people have time to work on that and I can’t? ) ….
  • to compare myself less with others and others’ lives…
  • to be less crazy 🙂

You’re Not Crazy. It’s PMDD! – PMDD & Me


Could you be one of the growing numbers of women who realize they are suffering from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD?

Source: You’re Not Crazy. It’s PMDD! – PMDD & Me

Need to write 


I am exhausted….. Today was the first “full” day of school for the eldest.. Yesterday just the youngest had a full day… And in the evening we had guests..the 3 girls and their mom (my ex/h’s new g/f) it went well till the 5 kids got to arguing…which is what usually happens after a few hours….especially since the middle girl likes to clean up and my youngest usually gets left behind in their games or ignored..but it went well. I wAs mostly civilized to her, probably over friendly…..tho at some point I did remind her that the house where she lives w my ex-h is still mine as well since I haven’t yet gotten my share of the $$. It’s funny how the two of them are planning a trip to kenya over xmas, funny because that’s where we spent our honeymoon:) 

Yeah I’m a bit all over the place…..mad at my bf, in love eith him, mad at my ex, not bothered by him, tired, hyper when I’m with my kids, friendly, bitch, understanding, PMDD-ing, happy, mad, sad, loving… Just all over the place 

When I started writing I was exhausted, but then I went to a 2h training on forex trading..which apparently re-energized me a bit…feeling hopeful that I get this job, as it would leave me plenty of free time with the boys and it would be well paid….

Let’s see what else….ex-h screamed at me yesterday for being late but I didn’t really give him the satisfaction of getting to me….not right then….

he told the boys that next time I am late he will leave them on the street…which of course led me to call him and yell back that if he’s got something to say to me he should do so, not send me messages through the boys 

What else….let’s see..Frienlover wants me to choose him over the boys…..by complaining that I haven’t asked anyone lately to spend time with them so I can be alone with him…

I feel like shit because I feel like he really doesn’t want to understand that, say this past weekend, yeah, we were supposed to spend it together but the boys didn’t want to to their dad, they wanted to spend the weekend with me…ok. Obviously I let the boys stay with me..and did my best to squeeze Friendlover in as well…which worked ok I would say, given that the boys already like him…so we did have alone time after they went to sleep and even during the day when they were playing….

But now he won’t come over to spend the night because he “prefers to sleep in his own bed “… And “why can’t I just ask the grandma to take them for a night”? Ok maybe I’m PMDD ing hard core…..but I think the boys are a bit fed up with being pingponged every day and the grandma is staying with them during the day when I have to work 

I get it, a woman with kids, divorced is a lot to handle but I don’t come alone I’ve got “baggage “…

PMDD … another great piece


http://www.xojane.com/healthy/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd 

Typical thoughts during this time include honestly believing that no one in the world loves or acknowledges me, or that I’ll die alone, or that the movie theater I’m sitting in will probably be bombed mid-feature, or that the girl who was mean to me in sixth grade deserves to be punched because she’s evil, or that it would be fun to jump in front of a moving train, or that no other single person has ever felt as sad as me — except for Morrissey.

Spot on .. how PMDD feels like


http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/feminism/2015/09/women-aren-t-supposed-blame-their-foulest-moods-their-hormones-it-s-time

I need to have ruined his day. I need for my banshee shriek to have done, at the very least, some superficial damage to his eardrum. I need to have made this guy suffer. And I need a cake. A big cake. A child’s birthday cake shaped like Postman Pat. A child’s birthday cake that I’ve stolen, thereby turning his special day into something he’ll have to discuss with a therapist in years to come. I’d punch fist-shaped craters into Pat’s smug face, then eat him in handfuls. All the while screaming unintelligible incantations at the mere concept of Brian/Craig.

“You need to handle that shit” 


of course I do, who else is going to hsndle my shit? How many times have I heard that phrase!? 

I know I am the problem there is no need to point it out over and over again. I need to handle that shit… How easy…isn’t it!

The were all waiting for me handle my shit… Yet I guess I’m still struggling with handling my shit

Beautiful…maybe one day I’ll be better and I can analyze my blog posts based on the language I use… Clearly foul language denotes “beautiful” emotions and quite possibly PMDD….I absolutely loooooove my PMDD what the fuck would I do without it? I mean seriously a month without PMDD…how boring would that be?!

I would be “normal”…well BPD normal…or “ab”normal…what would life be like if I behaved consistently? If I managed to stick to emotions at a “normal” level? If I managed I don’t know, to be like other people…what the fuck are other people like?! The experience emotions at a neutral level and just acknowledge them and let them go? Do they know how to express them when they have to? Be them positive or negative? Do they know how to clearly state their needs and wants? Is that what “others” do? How is that?

What is it that’s bugging me?….I don’t know how to say what I want… I guess I’m always afraid of being rejected……omg and so what if I was rejected? Who cares? Why would anyone and why would I? Big freaking deal that I would be rejected 

It’s quite simple I guess….being close is overrated…. I should just stop wanting it. After all technically we already are all inter-connected so I don’t need to want it….I am just as connected toanyone who is reading this as to anyone and everyone else….so why should I want to feel close to him? 

I know my PMDD screws with me…but this time I don’t hate him…i just feel rejected…oh well that’s life 

Thoughts..


Feeling old… Feeling tired…feeling lost, alone, scared

I know that being tired accentuates all the emotions … Plus apparently I’m already in the luteal phase…urgh damn PMDD..

So my friendlover.. if his friends think that I’m old does he think so too? I mean ok 13years older and a “mom”…and crazy, bpd crazy…and all over the place with the emotions..on one hand getting close and embracing the closeness…and in the same time pulling away…I mean seriously how can a 36yo be so childish (me!) and not know how to deal with emotions and relationships…and why should I be the one vulnerable and scared? 

Rambling….PMDD, tired… I honestly feel like never answering his calls or seeing him again… Why get close? I honestly don’t understand. I get that it’s happening to me, I get that I’m feeling lots, positive emotions towards him and yet all I want to do is stop then

I was a horrible g/f back when that’s what he wanted…I was inconsiderate, uncaring… I was lovely in the beginning getting him hooked and then I started putting away….and he didn’t have a clue as to why…. Neither did I …it was something I learned and practiced lots….. I am quite good at running away 

And now I’m confused….on one hand I really like the closeness and on the other hand I want to be alone I don’t deserve to be loved or even a bit cared for…I’m no good 

I guess this blog is good for analysing how much I really change my emotions and how at times it’s so hard to deal…

I’m definitely tired and PMDD-ing… 

Urgh…still at basic mindfulness skills..


A feeling of anger is arising in me… it’s strong… I have no energy and yet I have so much stuff to do… I’m starting two new courses next week and I should be preparing the worksheets and the material, as well as the presentations…. yet… the first half of the day went by arranging, sorting a bit … since we’ve just moved into the new house… and shopping for necessities in the new place….

now I really should be getting ready … and the kids are actually playing together, on their own… yet I feel that I can’t concentrate …. just figured out why… their game is pretending to clean & repair the house.. except some of it isn’t pretend.. they’ve got screwdrivers and are screwing in nuts and bolts that are loose…. yet I am kinda fuming… why? I feel an intense anger…  maybe I would actually prefer to relax? but I know I can’t… I have to get the stuff ready, so I can prepare the courses… I won’t have any time on Monday

I would prefer they played with something else.. I don’t need them to actually work with tools.. they can pretend if they want, to paint the walls, or to use measuring tape to measure the heaters or the walls… but that’s all I can allow them to do, nothing more.

How can I split myself and spend time with them, since I know they need me to adjust to the new context, the new house … yet I also need to do stuff for work, since unfortunately (right?) we need $$… and also I need to deal with emotions that arise, if possible, one at a time, cause it’s easier, to avoid getting overwhelmed again.. I can’t handle more than one emotion at a time, i’m not yet ready to deal with the feeling of overwhelmed … need to prioritise

So now I’m dealing with the anger…. anger at myself for not being able to get better organised… angry at me, yeah just me… maybe a bit at them cause they could play with something else.. like their toys, but I do understand the fascination with the new place and the need to at least pretend that they’re fixing it

Ok…. apparently I can’t write more than 5 words at a time…. but at least I figured out how to solve the problem: I allowed three instruments they can use, none of them that can cause any damage… so one is pretend painting with a brush and the other is measuring stuff…

So i guess I’ve solved the practical problem…

now the emotion… having allowed myself to feel it.. made it pass… I guess I could start now on what I have to do.. and I will deal with the feelings of guilt for not being better organised later, the feelings of guilt for not being able to be there for them

Triggers


So…. I really hate triggers..but I am getting better at figuring them out../although when I’m pmdd-ing just about anything is a trigger…
Today the boys and I ran into ex-hub with his new g/f and her 3 girls at the grocery store…it was right after the boys had a mini-breakdown right there in the store…where the elder one bit my hand so hard I still have a mark…it took all my strength to not slap him, rather to let him release his anger and then all three of us literally take alone time to deal with the emotions…to let it pass… I realized yet again the effect of the move, the fact that ex’s g/f is moving into my old house just as I’m moving out…and realized that all these changes are affecting the boys, as well as me…
So right after we all calm down we run into the 4 of them…and the boys are all excited and hugging the girls and stuff… And I’m feeling angry I guess…or probably better yet, fear….that silly fear that their lives are better with the new blended family….
I’m quite sure that I’m not being replaced…. But I guess the emotions just are, I can’t help them, but I can learn to recognise what I’m feeling and just let them pass….

I know that I didn’t react optimally… The boys asked me if I stopped liking the girls and I said no, they’re not the problem…and then they asked about their dad’s g/f and I said that she stopped liking me….
Anyway ….I guess at least this time of month I really don’t like her

I’m trying to figure out why.. I mean I don’t even have anything with her…/perhaps it’s just her relation with my sons…
I know that this too shall pass…and my period will at least clear my perception a bit..enough to go back and practicing my dbt skills…

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