Introspection


I need to do some serious introspection… as a lot has happened and changed in my life, especially in the last few months, but more so this year….

I’ve started working on myself.. and that’s great.. there are things that came as “second nature” to me, that now I would think twice before doing them, or simply not do them at all.. I have discovered that tiny space between when the emotion arises and the action takes place.. that tiny moment when I can breathe and think before I act.. that “count to 10” moment..

I’ve discovered emotions… mindfulness of emotions.. I’ve learned that if I try to push an emotion away it will stick around and haunt me… it will just intensify and give me a massive headache, or it will make me feel sleepy (as in can’t keep my eyes open, sleepy) …I’ve learned that not allowing myself to feel the emotion, not accepting that i’m feeling whatever it is I’m feeling will just haunt me, make me irritable, sad, mad, anxious and so forth… meta-emotion which really just intensifies the cycle and keeps me ruminating and feeling miserable….

And yet I KNOW….. like really, I KNOW that if I simply accept what i’m feeling, acknowledge the emotion, watch it, ride it, it will pass… emotions are.. they simply ARE.. there’s nothing we can do to STOP them… they ARE… we all have them, animals have them, they’re natural, normal, essential to our survival…

yet we learn to push them away, especially the “bad” ones.. and we try to desperately to hang on to the “good” ones… and in the grand scheme of things, there aren’t really good or bad emotions, there are just emotions… EMOTIONS….

so … i’ve been working on just accepting what i’m feeling… and a lot of the times it’s ok.. i can handle the fear, the anxiety, the anger… i can accept these, ride them and let them go… i’m still struggling with “sad”… sad comes with pain and i’m still judging it as “bad”… i know it does pass and i’ve experienced it as such.. but when i’m in an emotional episode of “sad” i’m still struggling with accepting it…

i also still need to practice allowing myself to feel, just feel… it’s so much easier to just accept what i feel and not judge it .. but there are certain things that apparently i’m not allowing myself to feel, thinking that i shouldn’t … i SHOULDN’T feel that… why shouldn’t I? emotions just are…. they are… and the sooner I remember that the sooner I can allow myself to feel… and the sooner the emotional episode passes and I can do whatever I need to do… but each time I push or avoid or run away from an emotion because I judge it (be it “bad” or “you’re not allowed”) the harder it is to move forward….i’m stuck in the “oh this is bad, i shouldn’t feel this” and i stay there… which doesn’t help….

now that i’m writing this… maybe i should sometimes accept that moment too…. the moment of “i can’t allow myself to feel this” and treat that moment and thought as a passing thought instead of fighting it… gotta try that


on another topic…. relationships… I’m borderline….which means that i’ve had a few (hahahah… funny.. how do you measure “a few”?) ok, lots, as in lots of relationships… i’ve been engaged 3 times and married once.. and that’s not all…

If I think about it.. there has been a pattern.. the borderline pattern: I’m lovely, absolutely lovely in attracting a new partner…. I smile a lot, laugh, am super friendly, show interest, pay attention… can match your interest, can keep conversations on just about any topic … and my eyes are smiling…. So the other person feels instantly at ease… feels understood, has a great time, fun, pure fun.. and thinks that I’m just fantastic.. so they’re hooked.. quite fast… as I know just how much or how little I should “give” in the beginning as in not too much to seem clingy or needy and not too little to seem uninterested… and of course sex is part of it… (sex has always been part of it… it seems to be my go-to coping mechanism… but the “sex is just sex” kind of sex.. not the “making love” … )

and what i really liked (i’m going to use the past tense since i am assuming that since i’ve started recovering i wouldn’t be doing these things anymore) so what i really liked was teasing them, making them want more… and then treat them like crap.. i’ve been soooooooo good at treating them like crap.. makes it easier to have them not want me and me feel abandoned… or does it? or maybe it was just me “acting like a child” (if we look at those Young dysfunctional schemas that BPDs have) so I start treating them like shit.. usually when they get too close.. and then i get scared of being abandoned… and i re-start the cycle of niceness and “love” and affection… so they can be re-hooked and not leave.. not just yet

“being a bitch”.. that was something i really liked and got good at doing… putting on a facade of “you can’t hurt me” and walls all around…. i’ve been called “self-centred” because all i cared about were my needs… i wanted to be satisfied and served and didn’t really care about the other felt.. as an example… i had this friend ages ago that really liked me a lot, cared for me and showed me so much affection.. and he really wanted to be with me, in all ways.. and I guess I chose never to have sex with him, slept with him in the same bed many times, letting him think each time that maybe this will be his lucky night… and I kept him near me for years.. teasing and giving him just enough hope not to leave…

at the other end of the spectrum there were guys that after sex i basically told them that they really sucked at it and left them hanging… .. so yeah… i was a bitch… royal bloody bitch….

love..? seriously… ? i probably made love a few times in my life (not talking about the last 5-7 months) .. i think there was this one time when i actually cried after sex and thought “wow… that was different… i actually felt a connection there… it wasn’t just about orgasming and being served.. there was something else there… what was it? ” and that lasted a while… until I just wanted to leave.. i always want to leave, to run away.. that’s why i’ve moved and lived in so many different places around the world and that’s why my go-to coping mechanism alongside sex is running away and moving house

and even this year…. let’s take a look… i started my adventure with my ex as a means of having sex.. that’s what i wanted.. clear as day… i just wanted sex… but the cycle started, as apparently 9 years of marriage doesn’t erase my past and past behaviour towards men… and so we fell in love.. or did we? maybe he fell in love and i was doing my thing: getting him hooked.. i don’t know… i don’t know because i can’t remember myself back then, i only know how i feel now and how my love for him has been transforming and can’t possibly imagine how i could have ever felt anything else towards him… so yeah, got him hooked.. so good at it (at least i know there’s something i’m good at, even if it’s not something to be proud of…… here i am judging myself again..:P) and i went through the cycles…. getting close, sharing, sharing dreams, hopes, lots and lots of sex, moments of happiness… and then me being a bitch…. how? how did i get back to being a bitch so fast? is it like riding a bike? …

and then at some point after going through the god damned cycle of borderline for so many times… i decided to start working on myself… and that’s when it all started to change… it still took a long time to realise the extent of my hurting him, the extent of my being a bitch and how much it hurt and damaged him… but it did come through, the realisation did materialise and I did acknowledge what I did… and when that happened…. I felt massive remorse .. (it’s not like i never realised how much i’ve hurt all those other guys in my past… i did… many times i’ve looked back and thought boy i was a bitch…) but this time i really was sorry… i really didn’t want to hurt him anymore.. and this came as i had learned to love him… while I was getting better, working on myself, I was also learning to love him… and that was interesting… it was a new feeling, a new emotion…

and now i have to stop my introspection as this is the point where i still need to accept my emotions towards him.. and learn how to be his friend and nothing else… gotta figure out a way to use my love as a friend and be there for him

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It’s been a while …


It’s been a while since I wrote anything about my journey….

So… maybe I can try to review all that I’ve been through in the last 5 months since I started this “project”.. of working on myself and going through the skills and steps towards recovery…

I learned how to handle my emotions, how to “stay” with them, how to mindfully accept them as they are and let them go.. I remember the first time I did this… it feels ages ago, and yet it was only about 4-5 months ago… I thought I was angry … and I decided to take the first step and stay with it, explore what I felt, and let it go through me… I focused on how it felt inside, and soon realised that it wasn’t anger after all, it was fear… so I focused on how it felt… and soon was paralysed, literally I couldn’t move, my whole body felt heavy, moving my arm was impossible, moving my head was impossible.. and I was weighed down on the chair.. sinking into it, and feeling my body like a whale’s… heavy, heavy and paralysed… It was a very strange feeling.. and it’s funny how I can remember it so vividly.. I was scared.. scared of what I was going through… I mean what if I was going to be stuck in there, in that emotion forever?.. But I decided that there’s really nothing I can do, I started this process I might as well stick with it… I also remembered the cycle of anxiety and knew that if I just stick with it, it will subside eventually… It must have been ages.. I mean I think that I was paralysed in that emotion for a good 20 minutes if not more… then after it peaked.. I could feel it go down, slowly disappearing… it wasn’t fast, it took probably another good 10 minutes until I was done with it… and came back to my feeling normal, to not being heavy at all…. rather relieved and peaceful..

a_frozen_tear_by_shinydragonfly

I wish I was able to express how it was that first time and it makes sense to anyone reading it… cause it was the most interesting feeling… allowing the emotion to come, staying with it, not pushing it away, not running from it, not distracting myself from it (which is soooooo easy to do).. but rather stay with it… wallow in it, feel it to the fullest… feel it in my body, in my mind… feel it… and then allow it to pass… as it does.

It’s funny…. I mean I remember how much I dreaded feeling.. and how much I dreaded staying with the emotions.. cause it was hard.. (not to say that now, 5 months down the road it’s much easier… but at least now I know that they do pass) and I kept thinking “oh boy this one is sooooo shity” so in the beginning I definitely passed judgment on each emotion.. “this is so nasty, I hate this feeling” …or “this one is crapy and it won’t go away” or “i really hate this, when will it go away”…. and there were times, lots of times when i thought “i wold so much rather pull my hair out, cut myself or give myself a tattoo with my nails instead of feeling this” …. lots, lots of times I thought that to myself… that I would rather do anything else, especially something that would cause me physical pain instead of feeling the emotion…. and yet somehow I pushed those thoughts away and stuck with the emotion… and it did pass..woman-422708_1280_mini-002_mini

There was one of the times my ex broke up with me and I remember feeling pain.. like excruciating pain.. like again I would prefer to feel a razor knife on my skin instead of the pain… and i remember thinking that it sucks … and then catching myself judging the emotion… and telling myself “of course it sucks, pain sucks”.. and so I stuck it out… and that one.. the pain of being  left took a bit longer… but I stayed with it… and surprisingly it did pass…

Allowing the pain to pass doesn’t mean I wasn’t upset.. it just means that I felt it, I accepted it and let it go, the pain I let go..

I very recently had the magnificent chance of being allowed to make amends..this was the first time in my life that i’ve done that… to really go through all the hurt i’ve cause and acknowledge it… then accept it, then feel remorse and sorrow for what i’ve done, hate for myself, hate for hurting the other, pain for wishing that i could take it back… I don’t th25-things-only-long-distance-bffs-understand-2-28808-1422451543-6_bigink i’ve ever wanted so badly to take something back as much as i wanted to take all the hurt i’ve caused back… and we’re not talking about one incident that caused pain to the other, rather many many instances… as in more negative than positive incidents… and it’s interesting how the more i remembered and acknowledged them the more it hurt to realise just how much damaged i caused… and with each memory i wishes so hard i could take it back, i wished so hard i could change it..

and then i hurt… but i hurt a lot more realising that i hurt the other… my hurt was secondary.. which is definitely a first, not focusing on my hurt but rather on the other’s hurt…..and i knew that i had to go through this so i can help the other, because i really hurt him and i wished him to be well… i wish all the goodness… and there’s no getting to the goodness until i accept what i did to the other………………..so thank you for allowing my this experience.. thank you for allowing me to try to help you, thank you for allowing me to acknowledge and accept all the pain that i caused you…

i feel like i’m being selfish again…. writing about this experience…..but it was a first… i know that this wasn’t the first time i hurt someone else… but this is the first time I had the chance to really accept that I’ve done someone wrong and say sorry… like really sorry for what I did…

So… looking back at this journey…. what I can say is that each experience has been a step towards recovery… and now I am at the point where I can accept that I’m feeling something .. stay with it and let it go, not attach to it… although I have to admit attaching to the guilt of causing harm to the other… I felt I had to stay with the guilt a bit longer…. and I did… a whole day in guilt… it’s something that I think I had to do… for me.. so that I know really how it feels…so I can remember how it feels and try to not get there again, as in think before i hurt someone … it really sucks to hurt people … especially since I really value empathy… and compassion… how can I be compassionate if I’m hurting others.. not congruent… so I am sorry for the pain and hurt I caused… I really am


Self compassion

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism.  When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

New challenge 


So I’m embarking onto a new challenge…it’s not like I was ready for it..but life doesn’t knock at your door to ask “hey li are you ready for this? No? Ok…we’ll wait a bit then till you feel prepared to take this on” 🙂 

So, this is my firt time in a really really long time that I’m alone on my PMDD…alone as in no male companion…. This should be a good time for reflection on what specifically having a male companion actually does to my PMDD… Luckily the period app I have only 7 more days so I think I can handle a week;) it’s weird… Who should i get mad at? Who should I blame for intentionally trying to piss me off and trigger my PMDD? 

Let’s take a step back…. I’m not angry, at all. I only figured I’m PMDDing because I feel extra sad….but not enough to cry. Perhaps I’m feeling a bit ignored as well….. But this I can rationalize easily: ex needs time and space to heal, so he’s not pushing PMDD buttons rather going through the normal break up process….

The boys are with their dad who decided to do the halloween decorations and stuff with them…so they don’t need me…on one hand I’m quite thrilled that he’s putting the effort, on the other… I guess I feel alone? But again none of these four men is pushing my PMDD buttons…

So…. I’m not angry, like my PMDD usually makes me….rather I feel sad and alone. Which is ok. I can handle these two emotions. I know they will pass. Although they are heavy emotions at least I know how to handle them ….better than the anger that usually has external consequences as well….. 

Well, now that I’ve figured out what I’m feeling I think that I am more prepared for this week

I can handle it.

  

Happiness is something you learn


Metta

4 minutes of embracing happiness to yourself… and to others


Traditionally in metta, we make use of four aspirations. Using it with understanding seems to be the key to its effectiveness and so, one would really have to mean what one says. They are:

MAY I BE SAFE FROM DANGERS (Avero homi)
Can one be safe just by wishing? At first it appears to be just wishful thinking. But after examining deeper, it is not empty wishing. Mindfulness or clear awareness is involved. The pure wholesome mind can do wonders and the mind is very powerful. It’s not just there and then, done frequently even into daily activities, the clear awareness actually protects, apart from generating wholesome kamma. Even at that moment, the mind is kept away from the root causes of suffering—greed, hatred and delusion and keeps one away from misery. Encouraged in this manner, the mind increases its clarity and purity.

MAY I BE PEACEFUL AND FREE FROM MENTAL SUFFERING (Abyapajjho homi)

I have used “peaceful” instead of “happy” to emphasize on the wholesome aspect of happiness and peacefulness is, more obviously, the opposite of agitation and restlessness. Having saturated oneself with clear awareness, the peaceful nature of the mind becomes clear and inclines one to settle into a deeper state of contentment and rest.

MAY I BE HEALTHY, FREE FROM PHYSICAL SUFFERING (Anigho homi)

Mind and body are interdependent. Many physical illness are stress-related. Likewise, meditation can heal. Clear awareness, peacefulness and softness brings about physical comfort. Sweeping it downwards from head-to-toe, settles and tranquilizes both body and mind; while sweeping upwards from toe-to-head energizes and rejuvenates. If one allows it to stay longer at any affected part of the body, I believe it will have positive results for that part. Eventually the body will settle into a state of deep rest while the mind sinks into deeper tranquility.

MAY I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND LIVE HAPPILY (sukhi attanam pariharami)

This last aspiration summarizes the practice to be happy at all times. It conditions the mind to carry on in like manner in all of one’s activities. However, at the time of meditation, it will encourage the deepening state of awareness and tranquility.

Yes, to repeat—the deepening or development of aware- ness and tranquility. How else is there to help oneself best than to practise the spiritual awakening to everlasting peace? Vipassana (insight) itself is the best root condition for the development of metta. One then is truly happy, together with realization of the profound nature of existence.

break ups… and positive thoughts


Ok…

so I know that for a breakup for “work” you need time.. and time means breaking everything that has to do with an ex-partner, and trying to literally pull away, physically and emotionally … and distance yourself from anything that has anything to do with your ex-partner… it’s an normal process.. healing… letting go, moving on…. and yeah, it takes time..

and even though i’ve had many break-ups.. (too many probably) … and even though I know it does pass… (doesn’t everything? … a few days ago I thought the awful anger and jealousy wouldn’t pass and they did)… a few months back when I started “staying” with an emotion I thought my head was going to explode each time and I would have given and done anything else BUT stick with it…. so I DO know that it does pass … I DO know that this feeling will pass… like clouds in the sky, like waves that hit the shore.. like a hurricane that dies out or a tornado that eventually dissipates… but now it hurts.. it hurts to be in the middle of the pain, to be inside the tsunami… and to not be able to do anything about it, but wait, wait for it to end.. as it does end… I know it does…

And while a part of me… (the one that wants to speed up the healing process) is telling me that it’s for the best, that some things just simply don’t work out, or that yeah, everything has its run, its course, its beginning and its end…….another part of me wants to remember the good things too…

We tend to turn our exes into villains …. we do that to protect ourselves, to solve the cognitive dissonance .. to explain to ourself or justify  the decision we took to end it all…. it makes the break up easier..

and yet…. we were with that person for a reason… we had good times, and bad too, such is life… but we chose to be with that person in that moment, in that context because we wanted to, because we felt good… that can’t be changed. we can’t take back the good memories just because we have some bad ones too… we can’t erase parts of our lives because “it’s easier”…. denial isn’t an option. what was, was… what’s done is done, what is, is…

so… i’m really going to try an exercise of positivity… why try to erase everything, when i’ve had some great moments too… i’ve done this in the past a lot… a LOT.. trying to just hate the ex, trying to forget EVERYTHING… yet.. it’s ALL part of who I am.. it’s all part of my life narrative… it’s done.. so why not focus on the positives?

here we go….

  • first date: so anxious, cutely, amazingly cute anxiety from both ends…
  • first gift: his hands were shaking and my voice was trembling… adorable
  • first kiss: I was all over him, I waited for him to make the first move, then I literally jumped him 🙂
  • chemistry….. i’ve probably only had similar chemistry once in my life with someone else… a long long time ago… weird how we could turn each other on sooooooo badly… the kisses, the caresses, the touch of his skin on mine, his arms around me, him kissing my neck,, me biting his, him holding me tight and keeping me close…. chemistry…. damn chemistry 🙂
  • enjoying the stars… on a dark night, just being …
  • him cutely imagining that he can handle my PMDD…
  • him sharing his vision of the world … so idealistic, fresh, refreshing… so much reminding me of a younger version of me… hopeful, determined… how I really wish he would remember how much he wanted to do, to change the world… and how I was feeling so refreshed by his ideas and desires….
  • letting him drive…how much I really liked seeing him do it, and practicing it, and being there while he was getting better at it…
  • spring grass… laying in in and looking at the blue sky… taking pictures of each other
  • the smile on his face…. so cute and sexy and kissable
  • his being there…. just being… listening, understanding…. being there for me… I really appreciate it
  • drinking on the terrace… while enjoying the nigh view… peaceful
  • being close… allowing myself to be vulnerable, vulnerable to the core… thus trusting him…
  • trusting him…. loving him…. it took so long to learn how to do that, yet eventually I did.. and it was a lovely feeling,,, the love, being safe, being close
  • mindfulness.. taking in the moment.. be it staring at each other or caressing…. or mindful sex….
  • him telling me “this too shall pass” … yes my love, this too shall pass…

I am a better person, I know myself more, I understand myself more now… I know what I’m capable of.. things that maybe I’d forgotten, or thought they were done… so I am thankful for the time we had together… for the laughs, the smiles, the cries… the hugs, holding on tight….

If I choose to remember the positives doesn’t mean I’m “holding on”.. it just means I choose to accept that I don’t want to erase anything…. it’s part of me, these months ARE part of me, of my life.. that can’t be changed or erased.. and I don’t want to.

Older post.. but so relevant today


Here you are again…. an end to a relationship. You were so good at getting him hooked, in the beginning, you were charming, and there, and present, and loving… you mirrored his interests and supported him. It’s not the first time, you’re good at seeming so absolutely perfect at first. They fall for you. Why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling…

IMG_20151021_230532

And then… they want to enter your world… but it’s messy.. you’re reluctant at first to let them in. You know that it’s all safe as long as you’re in their world, and you support their dreams, get to know his life, his friends. And they all like you, why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling…

And then they want to know you, to know your world.. and it’s messy. But they insist, cause they think you’re the one. Why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling… and you’ve been there, so supportive and affectionate, and so fantastic in bed…

And you say ok, let’s go into my world… and you open the gates… it all changes. Your world is messy and chaotic and you don’t really know who you are .. and you don’t know how to show the love…

Once you open the gates, once you let him in, you’re vulnerable… you start to think that he’s going to leave you.. why wouldn’t he? your eye are no longer smiling, you’re scared…

You’re so scared that he’s going to see the real you. But who is the real you? You’re lost and and scared, like a little girl who’s always alone… always ignored…. you know, scolded for smiling, scolded for being happy and never ever allowed to show emotions …

You were 5 or 6 years old the first time you told her that someone like you. What did she say? That you shouldn’t show emotions, cause emotions mean that you’re weak. Weak…. if you let people in, they’re going to hurt you. Don’t trust them… that’s what she taught you (your mom of course) No friend was ever good enough… there was always some fault that she found in them… which meant that you shouldn’t ever open up. So you learn…. you learn and learn and practice never to show feelings… Ok, you do show feelings, cause it’s hard to control yourself, but never pure love, cause it’s shameful to love. How could you love, when that means that you’re going to be hurt… not even that, love means you’re weak, you’re not independent, you’re not strong. Love means letting people in and you should never do that, or else you’ll lose yourself.

So there you are… older and “wiser”… you start relationships.. it’s easy. You’re charming, your eyes are smiling and they fall for you. It’s so easy to get them to fall for you. Why wouldn’t they? Your pretty, and sexy, and you’ve got an interesting attitude… playing hard to get yet being so forward and seeming like you’re strong and independent. You’re good at letting others think you’re independent. You don’t need anyone. And somehow that’s attractive to men…. seeing you strong.

And then they want to enter your world…. and that’s the beginning of the end. Your world is messy, your world is full of insecurities, of fear. Fear that you’re going to be abandoned. Why wouldn’t you? As soon as you let them in, it means that you’re no longer independent. It means that you are going to need them. God forbid you ever need someone… that means you’re weak. And you should never appear weak….

So once they’re in…… it’s almost over.. You start feeling insecure. They don’t understand what happened. What did they do wrong? Nothing really. Nothing changed with them. They just naturally wanted to take the relationship to the next level, to get to know you, to enter your world, to create a new one an “us”… but that means losing your independence… and god forbid you ever do that!

Your eyes are no longer smiling…IMG_20151021_230056~2

the boy is lost and confused.. and you start pushing him away… he wants to get closer, he wants to build an “us” yet you keep pushing and pushing away.

And then…. you do what you’re really good at… you run away. It’s so much easier to start over, to get another one hooked on you and keep things “easy” until he wants to get in… and then you push him away and start over…

How do you stop? How do you learn to trust yourself that you are enough, that letting people in doesn’t mean that you lose your independence?  What is that love that they are talking about? You wish you could understand, you wish you could feel it, live it…

My brain…


Aren’t our brains really weird intricate pieces of machinery…. I mean that’s nothing new…. but after the last few days I’m convinced of it…. really interesting, the brain and the way it’s so plastic.. and the way it can mould, change, interrupt your thinking, shut itself down, whirlind you into self-downing and bring you back up…

If ever I was in doubt that I have a chemical imbalance… on the Serotonin level, I am NO LONGER… I unfortunately did a little experiment… quitting SSRIs and going through the symptoms.. I’m back on them again and almost surprised at how great I’m feeling…

I had a few really hard days… really hard doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through…. Actually not just me, but my boyfriend too… I want to thank him for being there for me, for being strong. I wish I didn’t have to put him through what we went through … but it’s done.. and I can only thank him for having the Herculean strength to stick by me, even after I yelled at him to go, to leave me, to not touch me… hundreds of times… he was avalimazing

He kept telling me that it will pass and I kept saying that yeah sure, I know other moments have passed, but not this one, this one is here to stay, I’ll never get better…. boy was he right! Ok, it didn’t pass on its own, I had to go back to the doc and restart the SSRIs …but this just proves (if we were in a ABAB type of single subject experiment) that indeed i NEED the SSRIs…

Come on… if I were to use the Stress-Vulnerability model, to conceptualise my diagnosis… I know as a fact that I have one short allele of the 5HTTP gene… (which predisposes me to anxiety and depression) so I know as a fact that I have the genetic vulnerability… I also know as a fact that I’ve had a child high emotional reactivity as well as an invalidating environment….. so according to science there is no doubt that I have BPD..

But why did I think that it would have been ok to stop the SSRIs… maybe I got too cozy with handling my life on my own, working on myself, getting the hang of the DBT skills and realising that I can handle life, as it comes, with everything that’s thrown at me…

Well…. at least now we know… SSRIs work, they help me, they help me stay afloat, enough where I can actually apply all the skills I know… CBT, DBT, lots and lots of mindfulness..

It’s weird, yet not so much, how when you get broken, it’s like you’re engulfed in the emotion, be it sadness, anger (boy, was there tons and tons of anger during SSRIs withdrawal) fear or anything else… it’s like a tsunami hit, or you got caught inside a tornado or hurricane.. and there’s NOTHING you can do… except wait for it to pass… and when you’re in the middle of it, you literally don’t see the end, you literally don’t see a way out, you literally feel LOST and like you’re never going get out….

And yet life is funny…. cause the storm passes… it really does…. and yeah, there’s damage done.. but it passes.. and once it passes the skys clear and you are yourself again, and you can pick up the pieces and get yourself back.. stronger.

There’s clearly shame…. damn shame for the way you behaved.. it’s like when you were younger and you used to drink at parties and you did something stupid and hoped that everyone else was just as intoxicated that they wouldn’t remember what an ass you were to them and you could just blame it on the alcohol…..

Ok… so the last few days sucked… big time.. and I know that I was lucky to have A next to me, to be there and support me.. and keep at it.. I think he could be the poster child for perseverance for those few miserable days..

So…. the brain is an interesting structure.. and I really should give it more credit… there were times, bits and pieces of tiny memories, bits and pieces of metacognition that tried to surface when I was in the middle of those crazy insane anger thoughts …. yet they seemed so far away… like I could stretch to grab onto them but couldn’t…..  and it’s so interesting how when I was in the middle of all that crap I couldn’t possibly imagine that I would ever feel ok again, that I would ever trust myself again, trust that I can handle myself and get back on track….

but now I know I can….

f9814bbc4071ea4cf7543e5ec6999fb7

It’s been a while… need to unpack


So… it’s been a while since I’ve written about my journey… so I really need to unpack….

I recently quit my SSRIs and last night was bad, withdrawal symptoms kicked in big time… I haven’t felt that insane, I mean literally insane in a very long time… it was so weird, each insane second came with a wave of faintness… like I literally felt like I was going to faint, to loose consciousness.. which in a sense I did, since I lost my mind last night… I cried… I wanted to punch, to scream, to throw stuff… but all I did was sent text messages to my bf and unfriend him on Facebook… yeah like that’s somehow supposed to hurt him? i was mad, raged and alone, empty yet so freaking full of dizziness and full of emptiness… i wanted him to be there for me yet he wasn’t.. i wanted him to be there to help calm down the withdrawal symptoms but he wasn’t… i guess what i did learn from last night is that I am the only person that will ever be there, truly there for me.. so if I feel insane, I’d better figure out a way to deal with it by myself since I am the only person that can help ME..  no, there was nothing real that he did, there was nothing that could be considered by a normal person as a trigger, he didn’t abandon me, he didn’t leave me, he said he loved me and he’d be there for me… but the withdrawal symptoms were soon shitty…. I felt so lost and alone…

I was so sure that that I can handle life… ok, yeah it’s a new day and somehow I survived last night.. eventually I did fall asleep and I guess the crazy went away… but I definitely didn’t know how to “stay with it” last night.. I did everything possible to distract.. and I know from experience that it doesn’t help… I’m hoping that if that insane crazy comes back I will be strong enough to stay with it and let it pass.. cause it does pass, everything does, it all flows away, like clouds in the sky, or waves hitting the shore… but it sure didn’t feel like that last night… and telling myself that i’m going through withdrawal symptoms didn’t make it better at all….

but it did I guess eventually pass… it’s not solved, like I know it can come back anytime and I don’t have a strategy of how to handle it…. but I am quite aware that not riding it, rather diving full front into it didn’t solve anything last night….

I think that last  time I felt this level of insane was after one of the last few really bad fights I had with my ex-husband (before we decided to get divorced) when he actually left the house and I actually locked him out… and there was a wave, like literally a wave of insane was over clouded me… and the only thing that worked that time was my sister trying to calm me down and to tell me to unlock the house and let him know that he can come back…

triggers… schemas… i hate schemas.. they really suck… a schema is like a script that you automatically run through like in a play when something familiar triggers it.. and the shity thing is that once a schema’s activated it runs its course, and sometimes it has nothing to do with reality, i mean with the reality of that specific moment.. men have generally the tendency in arguments to run through scripts, schemas … oh well..

sometimes i do realise that i’m in a schema.. but it’s like anger, you can’t stop it that easily once it’s been started… it’s difficult tot stop a tsunami once it’s started… all you can do is take shelter.. and maybe be more prepared next time a huge wave is about to hit….

yet… i think it would be stupid and unfair to blame it all on just the SSRI withdrawal… I’ve had a crazy month…. or even more… I don’t even know how many crazy and ping pall machine like months I’ve had lately.. yet somehow surprisingly I do get by… I’m not doing great, but I do get by… I manage to take care of the kids, I manage to get to work… I’m overwhelmed… but it seems to be a like a normal state for me… so I might as well admit it, accept it and figure out ways to just do one thing at a time and accept that some things won’t get done, or they won’t get done on time…. I hate that.. I hate not getting everything done, I hate not doing everything perfect (ok, or at least do everything…) I hate not managing…. yet apparently I’m not, I’m failing at stuff… not everything but I’m failing at some stuff… and after all isn’t that normal? it would be absurd to get everything done perfectly.. i’m not superwoman 😛

so how about some re-fraiming:

  • I survived last night… even tho I felt absolutely insane… I survived… not sure what the damage is yet, but I will deal with that as it comes
  • I am dealing with life little hassles as they come and most of the time I’m managing them decent… I can get the kids to school, pick them up on time, feed them, play with them, do fun stuff with them (even if it’s not every day)
  • I am mostly confident that I can handle life…yeah there are days or moment when I’m feeling lost and alone… but mostly I think I can handle it..
  • I am definitely more accepting of stuff… loving kindness helps…

What I do wish tho….. I’m allowed to wish …

  • to be skinnier (why is it that some people have time to work on that and I can’t? ) ….
  • to compare myself less with others and others’ lives…
  • to be less crazy 🙂

randomness…. and over-sharing


So.. this is where I stand

this has been a pinball year, not even a simple roller-coaster, but a pinball machine year, and it’s still only october

when I first started talking to you, I was doing something that I never thought I would do… start cheating on my husband. It was daring, it was exciting and it was scary… because i never ever envisioned a life without him, let alone ever looking at someone else… but i did. i took that step and started flirting with you and it was fun, and it was exciting and then we took it one step further and i started my “secret life” with you.. and it was really nice for a while, you were my safe heaven, the place where i ran away from all my problems, and you took me in your arms and made me feel like a woman… i was nothing more nothing less, just a woman, not a wife, not a mother, not anything else… i was just pure, naked, in your arms… and it felt really good…

then we opened up a bit more and i let you in my “other” life… the one where i had kids, and a home and i tried really hard to include you all while balancing the rest of the life and figuring out the best way to let the kids in on what was going on….

then it started getting a bit weird, with me trying to balance all my roles, going through the divorce, working through it, figuring out what my feelings were for my soon to be ex-husband…. yeah, it took some shity stuff but that shity stuff sped up the process of me getting closure and moving on from him… i know it wasn’t easy for you but it helped me a lot at that time… so thank you for that

then shit got even more weird and since it was getting serious… i started freaking out… one bit at a time i started freaking out.. because somewhere in my mind i was just getting out of a 9 year marriage and most likely wasn’t ready for a committed new relationship… and so i started pulling away.. it wasn’t fair for you

actually a lot of the stuff that’s been going on in the last almost 8 months isn’t fair towards you…. my life has been a mess.. and while those first few months when we were in our little bubble, where we had our secret life…. were great, i really felt alive.. and you were absolutely amazing…so while that was great.. the rest has been totally unfair to you…

i haven’t had time to process anything…. not my divorce, not the fact that i’m alone, not the fact that i got kicked out of the house, not the fact that what’s her face was trying to raise my kids with prayers and shit.. not the fact that the boys were ping-ponged b/w my and him, not the fact that i had to move .. got a job really fast which meant that i had no time with spend with the boys, quitting it.. not knowing yet what i’m doing…

it’s a fucking mess…

and all through this… you’ve been there.. and you’ve been supportive and listening and mostly helping… and YEAH, i KNOW that somewhere in your mind we should have had a relationship, a normal one, or as close to normal as possible…. and yet i haven’t had the chance to work on that… i haven’t … i’ve taken for granted that you would be there and didn’t realise that i wasn’t being the girlfriend you or anyone would want or need at any point in their lives.. and sometimes i feel like given all the mess that i’m going through i’m doing an ok job as a girlfriend.. but mostly i suck at it… i’ve got too much going on to realize and to put in the effort to be a girlfriend.. i’m lost and confused, and i have too much to deal with… and yeah i totally agree with you: we need a plan, we need to do stuff together, we need to have moments of togetherness.. i totally agree with you.. it’s not absurd what you’re asking, it’s quite normal and to be expected…

yet here i am… overwhelmed by life… how can i possibly give you what you need? how can i possibly give us what we need to grow our relationship, to make it work?

i’m overwhelmed by everything: the boys’ schooling, the way they deal with everything: divorce, move, not enough time with me, their dad not being there.. i’m overwhelmed by the fact that i don’t have a job… when i did it wasn’t working out, i hated it and it wasn’t paying enough…. i’m stressed out about it

i’m stressed out about not being a good mom, i’m stressed out about finding and keeping a job… i don’t even know… i’m stressed out about how to deal with my patients and when to schedule them, who should get the kids when i’m doing that… it’s just a lot…

and YEAH i would absolutely love to have time with you, to spend time with you, to do fun things, to go out, to have togetherness and happy moments and all that stuff that means a relationship…. we got the chemistry, the sex is great, we did have happy moments… so all the ingredients are there… i’m just not capable of putting it all together ….

i don’t remember what the point was when i started writing…

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i completely understand your needs… and i completely support your decision to attend to your needs and i can understand that you’d get fed up with my crazy… i would too…

especially since all these aren’t enough… i’m emotionally unstable and have PMDD as well.. don’t know how to express emotions or how to keep relationships.. so .. all in all i’m a mess..

i have to sort myself out.. i don’t know how i can promise you that we could work, that we could commit, when i can’t even figure out small stuff… committing and working on a relationship is big, big stuff, requires work.. and i’m overwhelmed by everything else, that i can’t handle.. so obviously i feel like there’s no way i can handle a relationship … how? i mean how? i can’t keep asking you to be patient… my life IS a pinball machine… and i’m having a hard time handling it.. like really i’m having a hard time

 

8 oct 2015

I can’t do this, whatever it is anymore… I can’t sit on the side-lines and watch you live your life. Either I’m in it or I’m out… and since we apparently made it quite clear that we can’t make it, we’re never going to make it as a couple, I see no point in trying to milk it off its last drops….

let’s just call it quits… i know it will hurt, but i can’t stop feeling what i’m feeling for you… and it doesn’t help having these feelings when you’re getting close to other women, in the normal process of letting go… i don’t want to be part of it. this road you walk alone, or well, not alone, but not with me. i love you, and i will love you, i want your happiness, and if that means to get close to other girls, hooking up and going out and having fun, then be it, i support and understand you. But I will not stand by to listen to your hook-up stories, I have no role in that.. it doesn’t make any difference that we love each other and we have great chemistry… I don’t know what role I have and this one.. where I’m the occasional sex partner, yet when we are together we’re really super close… I can’t handle it.

It’s taken me a long time, a really long time to learn to get close to you, to let you in, to love you, to accept you and to only want what’s best for you. But each time we have a good day, when you leave from here you go back to your other fun life with girls your own age. I can’t compete with that… So i’m letting you go. Go have fun, enjoy life, do everything and love it! And i’m sincere when I wish you all the best, i know you can do it, i know you can do anything you set your mind to.

Best of luck, be happy, be loved, have fun and enjoy life!

Stuff I need to work on ..


The question is what’s the point of writing? Why should I do it and why should I do it like this, open and public…. why should I expose myself and my story… .

http://www.science20.com/news/writing_down_feelings_really_does_make_us_feel_better_study_says

So writing helps people with their moods, labelling emotions increases activity in the pre-frontal cortex… yeah yeah, all good and great.. but why should I do it? Why should I expose myself and my insides?

look, I even found an article that values modesty 🙂 http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/713687/jewish/The-Communication-Trap.htm  .. I bet I could find an article online, even a study for just about anything… so whatever I want to do, I can find evidence that would support my choices… but that wouldn’t make me a scientist..

http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Putting-Feelings-Into-Words-Produces-8047

Yet… we can’t get rid of our feelings…that would mean we turn to stone.. we need them to function, to motivate us, to drive us, to remind us that we are alive…. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/headshrinkers-guide-the-galaxy/201503/getting-rid-your-feelings-does-it-help

but the main question or concern is why should I do it here for anyone to read…. there’s value to that question and I appreciate the concern… yet there are plenty of us that choose to share….

  • for selfish reasons…
  • for getting the impression that someone out there is listening to us
  • believing that maybe our story helps someone else
  • imagining that you’re not alone, there are others like you
  • it’s easier to write then to speak about our emotions
  • it makes us feel vulnerable… yet in the same time sort of protected….

Featured Image -- 492

So bottom line… there’s some stuff I have to work through.. and I will start today. I’ve been too busy and overwhelmed lately with mundane stuff to work on myself.. so I have to catch up…

Here we go..

  1. I’ve re-discovered meditation… I had a teachable moment the other day when loving-kindness was the best response I could have to the situation.. instead of anger and hate. I was quite surprised at myself how well it actually worked… I did read it and listened to it and tried it out.. and it didn’t take long to let the peaceful emotion of loving kindness to overtake me and engulf me in a positive light… It really helps to think of all of us as interconnected… cause really that’s what we are.. so that really makes me no better than anyone else, and if I wish love and peace for myself I can do the same for the others…f9814bbc4071ea4cf7543e5ec6999fb7
  2. I am working on truly accepting me for what and who I am… I need to accept this so I can work on changing what needs to be changed
  3. DBT worksheets:

Behavioral Chain Analysis of Problem Behavior Worksheet

1. Describe the specific PROBLEM BEHAVIOR
(flashback, cutting, disassociation, hiding, closeting, panic attack, etc.)

pulling away, breaking up, wanting to hurt myself, flashback of being abandoned and replaced, having let someone into my life, shared my feelings, now he’s walking all over them, i’m hurt

A. Be very specific and detailed. No vague terms.

B. Identify exactly what you did, said, thought or felt (if feelings are the targeted problem
behavior).

I want out, I’m worthless, I mean nothing to you

C. Describe the intensity of the behavior and other characteristics of the behavior that are
important.

very intense

D. Describe the problem behavior in enough detail that an actor in a play or movie could
recreate the behavior exactly.

Running away (literally, getting in the car is running away), not picking up the phone, when I do, I yell back and hang it up again, pulling my hair, saying to myself that i’m abandoned, that i don’t matter, that there’s no point in sharing emotions because i’m going to be walked on

2. Describe the specific PRECIPITATING EVENT that started the whole chain of behavior.

A.Start with the environmental event that started the chain. Always start with some
event in your environment, even if it doesn’t seem to you that the environmental
event “caused” the problem behavior. Possible questions to get at this are:

1. What exact event precipitated the start of the chain reaction?

already in a pissy mood

2. When did the sequence of events that led to the problem behavior
begin? When did the problem start?

interpersonal relationship problems communicating

3. What was going on the moment the problem started?

4. What were you doing, thinking, feeling, imagining at that time?

5. Why did the problem behavior happen on that days instead of the day
before?

in a bad mood and feeling pressured to be better

3. Describe in general VULNERABILITY FACTORS happening before the precipitating event. What factors or events made you more vulnerable to a problematic chain? Areas to examine are:

A. Physical illness; unbalanced eating or sleeping; injury

not sleeping enough

B. Use of drugs or alcohol; misuse of prescription drugs

none

C. Stressful events in the environment (either positive or negative)

important week for getting a job, stressed out because i may not have enough time to focus on it, and i can’t do it unless i’m focusing on it fully

D. Intense emotions, such as sadness, anger, fear, loneliness

anger cause i feel like there’s no time

E. Previous behaviors of your own that you found stressful

running errands in the rain, cause they need to get done, and i left them for last minute

4. Describe in excruciating detail THE CHAIN OF EVENTS that led up to the problem behavior.

A.What next? Imagine that your problem behavior is chained to the precipitating
event in the environment. How long is the chain? Where does it go? What are the
links? Write out all links in the chain of events, no matter how small. Be very
specific, as if you are writing a script for a play.

1.What exact thought (or belief), feeling, or action followed the precipitating
event? What thought, feeling, or action followed that? What next?

abandoned

not understood

not cared for my feelings and needs

I can’t stand this, I can’t do it

2.Look at each link in the chain after you write it. Was there another thought
feeling, or action that could have occurred? Could someone else have
thought, felt, or acted differently at that point?  If so, explain how that
specific thought, feeling, or action came to be.

  1. For each link in the chain, as if there is a smaller link I could describe.

B. The links can be thoughts, emotions, sensations and behaviors.

5. What are the CONSEQUENCES of this behavior? Be specific.

1.How did other people react immediately and later?

2.How did you feel immediately following the behavior? Later?

  1. What effect did the behavior have on you and your environment?

6. Describe in detail different SOLUTIONS to the problem.

A.Go back to the chain of your behaviors following the prompting event. Circle
each point or link indicating that if you had done something different, you would
have avoided the problem behavior.

B.What could you have done differently at each link in the chain of events to avoid
the problem behavior? What coping behaviors or skillful behaviors could you
have used?

7. Describe in detail the PREVENTION STRATEGY for how you could have kept the chain from starting by reducing your vulnerability to the chain.

8. Describe what you are going to do to REPAIR important or significant consequences of the problem behavior.

For each myth, write down a challenge that makes sense to you.

  1. I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.

    Challenge:

  2. If I make a request, this will show that I’m a very weak person.

    Challenge:

  3. I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request.

    Challenge:

  4. If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets upset with me.

    Challenge:

  5. If they say no, it will kill me.

    Challenge:

  6. Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do.

    Challenge:

  7. Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do.

    Challenge:

  8. I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.

    Challenge:

  9. I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself.

    Challenge:

  10. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently, I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else.

    Challenge:

ASKING                                                                                           SAYING NO

Don’t ask; don’t hint.

0–10¢

Do it without being asked.

Hint indirectly; take no.

20¢

Don’t complain; do it cheerfully.

Hint openly; take no.

30¢

Do it, even if you’re not cheerful about it.

Ask tentatively; take no.

40¢

Do it, but show that you’d rather not.

Ask gracefully, but take no.

50¢

Say you’d rather not, but do it gracefully.

Ask confidently; take no.

60¢

Say no firmly, but reconsider.

Ask confidently; resist no.

70¢

Say no confidently; resist saying yes.

Ask firmly; resist no.

80¢

Say no firmly; resist saying yes.

Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying.

90¢

Say no firmly; resist; negotiate.

Don’t take no for an answer.

$1.00

Don’t do it.

Relationship problem: Describe how the relationship is destructive or interfering with your life.

List Wise Mind pros and cons for ending the relationship.

Pros:

Cons:

Script Ideas for DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST to End a Relationship
1. Describe the relationship situation, or the problem that is the core reason you want to end the

relationship.

2. Express feelings/opinions about why the relationship needs to end for you.

3. Assert in your decision to end the relationship directly (circle the part you will use later in “broken record” to stay mindful if you need it).

4. Reinforcing comments to make about positive outcomes for both of you once the relationship is ended.

  1. Mindful and Appearing confident comments to make about how and when to end (if

    needed).

  2. Negotiating comments to make, plus turn-the-table comments to avoid getting off track and responding to insults or diversions (if needed).
  3. Validating comments about the other person’s wishes, feelings, or history of the relationship.
  4. Easy manner comments.
  5. Fair comments.

Check off opposite actions for love you have been doing: ‰‰1. Reminded myself why love is not justified.
‰‰2. Did the opposite of loving urges.
‰‰3. Avoided contact with reminders of loved one.

‰‰4. Other:

For each myth, write down a challenge that makes sense to you. Although the one already written may make a lot of sense, try to come up with another one or rewrite the one there in your own words.

1. There is a right way to feel in every situation.
Challenge: Every person responds differently to a situation. There is no correct or right way. My challenge:

2. Letting others know that I am feeling bad is a weakness.
Challenge: Letting others know that I am feeling bad is a healthy form of communication. My challenge:

3. Negative feelings are bad and destructive.
Challenge: Negative feelings are natural responses. They help me to create a better

understanding of the situation. My challenge:

4. Being emotional means being out of control.
Challenge: Being emotional means being a normal human being. My challenge:

5. Some emotions are stupid.
Challenge: Every emotion indicates how I am feeling in a certain situation. All emotions are

useful to help me understand what I am experiencing. My challenge:

6. All painful emotions are a result of a bad attitude.
Challenge: All painful emotions are natural responses to something. My challenge:

7. If others don’t approve of my feelings, I obviously shouldn’t feel the way I do. Challenge: I have every right to feel the way I do, regardless of what other people think. My challenge:

8. Other people are the best judges of how I am feeling.
Challenge: I am the best judge of how I feel. Other people can only guess how I feel. My challenge:

9. Painful emotions are not important and should be ignored.
Challenge: Painful emotions can be warning signs telling me that a situation I am in is not

good.
My challenge:

10. Extreme emotions get you a lot further than trying to regulate your emotions. Challenge: Extreme emotions can often cause trouble for me and for other people. If an

emotion is not effective, emotion regulation is a good idea. My challenge:

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