31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 20: HOW DO YOU USUALLY EXPRESS YOURSELF?


Through words and actions…. if I’m in a good place, I’m quite talented with words, and I can express myself and how I feel…. but if I’m in a bad place I tend to be passive-agressive.. or simply grumpy and pulling away… I don’t like to say “no” which leads me to seem like a doormat in plenty of contexts…. yet in the same time I can be very crafty and persuasive with words…

I probably have some artistic talents, although not fully explored… I used to like to draw.. and I still do when I get a chance… I should probably try this more often as it’s very relaxing

I guess I can say that I also express myself in the way I look… which implies changing my hair a lot.. although mostly short, but I do like to experiment…

** I know this “31 days” is taking me a lot longer than 31 days, but I’m sticking to it, I don’t want to give it up, even if it’s taking me longer… I want to get better, I want and am committed to working on myself

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30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge DAY 1: What is/are your mental illness(es)?


PMDD

In the majority of menstrual cycles, at least 5 symptoms must be present in the final week before the onset of menses, start to improve within a few days after the onset of menses, and become minimal or absent in the week after menses.

  • Marked affective lability (e.g., mood swings; feeling suddenly sad or tearful, or increased sensitivity to rejection).
  • Marked irritability or anger, or increased interpersonal conflicts.
  • Marked depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness, or self-depcrecating thoughts.
  • Marked anxiety, tension, and/or feelings of being keyed up or on edge.

BPD

  • pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive, oftentimes demonstrating self-injurious behaviors (risky sexual behaviors, cutting, suicide attempts).
  • A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
    • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
    • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationshipscharacterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
    • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
    • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
    • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
    • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
    • Chronic feelings of emptiness
    • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
    • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 18: DO YOU WORRY WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU?


I do… not everyone, although I do try to present myself in the best light possible… which sometimes means that I’m like a doormat, not knowing how to say no, I guess for the fear of rejection. This, of course, leads or can lead to burnout, especially if the relationship is a work/professional one, where I do really care that I’m seen as responsible, flexible and always there when I’m needed.

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 19: WHAT ARE SOME LYRICS THAT DESCRIBE WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?


Walk

Gotta slow up, gotta shake this high
Gotta take a minute just to ease my mind
‘Cause if I don’t walk then I’ll get caught out
And I’ll be falling all the way down

(Hundred, hundred, hundred) hundred headlights making me blind
All of your pleasures catching my eye
If I jump once then I never think twice
But your temptations make me stay another night

And my senses only lie to me, lie to me
I don’t know how I feel so raw to me, raw to me
I gotta check myself before I get what I want
Find out it’s not what I thought it was
And you know I

[Chorus:]
Gotta slow up, gotta shake this high
Gotta take a minute just to ease my mind
‘Cause if I don’t walk then I’ll get caught out
And I’ll be falling all the way down
Turn my head and shut my eyes
Doesn’t even matter if I’m wrong or right
‘Cause if I don’t walk I’ll keep myself around
And I’ll be falling all the way down

Tell myself leave, while I’m still strong
Going on back till I’m 10 miles gone
And when the road stops I’m gonna keep on
Until I end up in the place that I belong

But the pressure’s pushing me back again
Telling me not to pretend
There’s any use even trying to get you out my head
So I lift my feet off the ground
And I’m gonna walk right up

[Chorus]

Won’t get caught in the old fly trap
Run away, run away, never come back
No way I’m going down like that
No, no, run away, run away
Won’t get caught in the old fly trap
(I can’t get caught up again)
Run away, run away, never come back
No way I’m going down like that
(No way, no way)
No, no, run away, run away

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 17: WHAT ARE FIVE OF YOUR BIGGEST FEARS?


Apparently thinking about  my biggest fears is one of my fears…but since it’s taking me so long to do this 31 day challenge it’s quite clear even to me that one of my biggest fears is finishing.. yeah I’m afraid of ends… and I guess I’m taking my time working through the challenge because of that

That’s one…. let’s see… I’m quite scared of actually going following through on my suicidal thoughts one day (although working through my BPD is going to work on that fear too)

I’m also incredibly scared of screwing up my kids…. seriously… I try to so hard to at least give them a validating environment … but I don’t know if it’s “normal” like because I’m a parent fear of what.. but yeah I’m definitely scared of screwing them up..

I think that’s about it…. I have normal fears that I know how to handle, like heights or mice, which I’m treated myself and have the skills to get through them…

Maybe… now that I’m writing.. I guess along with the fear of screwing the kids up, I’m quite afraid of me screwing up big time …. but again… I’m doing this.. I’m working towards a life worth living, I’m taking small steps, but I’m taking them, and I’m not going to give up…

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 16: DOES YOUR STYLE (CLOTHING, HAIR, ETC.) CHANGE A LOT?


Good god yes…. I like to cut my own hair… have been doing it since I was a teen… now that I’m writing this I realise that it’s been a great coping mechanism for me, cutting my own hair.. as a way to deal with difficult emotions and stuff… I still do it.. actually last hair change I did myself, both cut and colour.. but usually when I have a tough situation, the first thing I do is something with the hair… cut it as short as possible…

I also like to change the colour…. I experiment with all shades, although not “crazy” ones.. I tend to stick with dark browns, black, red shades and lately blond..

clothes… I tend to be very casual and relaxed.. although I will occasionally switch .. and wear dresses and stuff, paint my nails.. do something different… and I don’t really care what others think of me 😛

so yeah… inventing myself… it’s something I have some control over.. and as I’m doing this challenge and my journey through BPD I realise that it’s been a method of coping with strong emotions, for sure….

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 15: HAVE YOU EVER CHANGED YOUR OPINIONS, DEPENDING ON THE PEOPLE YOU ARE WITH?


Yes, I’m quite certain that I have… probably as a means of them to like me and accept me more….to not be abandoned  probably an example would be the type of music or interests, like theatre that different groups of people had…

Although I do tend to be quite stubborn and there are things… like parenting for example, that I would never change my opinion on, no matter who or what would say…

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 14: DO YOU EVER BECOME OBSESSIVE?


It’s hard to define this one…. I mean there are no things that obsess me…. like thoughts that I can’t get rid of… I do tend to get really involved, in whatever I’m doing… like even if I have a job I like or don’t like, I give it 120%.. I become like a “doormat” sort of, obsessing on making a really good impression and being there for people… like if the boss asked me to do something (like stay over time or come in the w/e or whatnot) I will be there.. and I tend to do that sort of to make a good impression and probably similarly to the way I handle romantic relationships… to seem like I’m so perfect .. the difference is that with work / professional relationships I don’t end them… I do anything and everything that needs to be done, till I get to burnout.. (which luckily doesn’t happen for about a couple of years) ..

so maybe that could be considered “obsessive”.. that I try really hard to seem like the most wonderful and perfect employee, no matter the job or task…

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 13: ARE YOU A PERFECTIONIST?


This is a serious question…?! 🙂

I mean…. I’ve been working on getting over the perfectionism for the past year… and it’s incredibly hard.. I mean the shame, the remorse, the guilt i feel when I’m less than perfect, when I do something that’s not …

and the weirdest thing is that I actively work on my kids to NOT get the perfection bug.. I mean I taught them how to ice-skate and used that as a very good example of how to persevere and how you need to practice practice practice to get better, and how it’s important to fail, cause that’s how you lean … and how nothing in this life is perfect, cause we’re all human and we all make mistakes.. and how I encourage them not to beat themselves up when they mess up…

and yet… when it comes to me.. I give myself such a hard time when I mess up… (which of course I do)

so in the last year or so I’ve been working on myself too.. allowing myself to accept myself when I screw up… it’s quite hard …but apparently the world doesn’t end when I mess up 🙂 funny eh

so yeah…. gotta work on this too, keep working on it

31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 12: WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY?


This is a hard one….

my relationship with my mom for example can be extremely fantastic and in the same time, or same day it can turn sour… like really bad.. but it’s always been like this… I am always afraid of expressing my feelings because she tends to minimise them a lot.. and I always have to have some sort of really good explanation for what I choose to do.. It’s very “bipolar” my relationship with her.. I mean she’s a person that I know I can tell anything (if I catch her in a good mood) I mean anything… there’s stuff that only she knows about me… so there are times when she provides that safe place I need… but also.. I’m always afraid (based on experience) that she will use it against me…

my sister (who’s also following me on this blog) is a very sweet person that still hopes that we can all just get along. We’ve had our ups and downs but we are close and we’ll always be there for each other (I love you sis)

my dad & I had a good relationship till my parents got divorced.. I’ve tried a few times to reconnect and so did he, but it doesn’t work..

maybe, as I go through this process of defining myself and getting through the BPD and over it (or at least work through it) I will be able (at least from my end) to re-connect and have a better relationship with my native family..

I realise that it’s definitely genetics that got me here (not saying I inherited, as that’s not what the research says per se… but that I was just one of those lucky bastards that got the short end of the allele and the high emotional reactivity…) and that the invalidating environment “helped” a bit.. but I also realise that only I can get myself out, I need to work on myself and re-learn how to deal with emotions, how to connect with people and trust, how to have good interpersonal relationships (including with my family)

my kids… I would have to say that in this area I’m doing probably the best.. (not saying it’s perfect) but I at least am quite capable most of the time to offer the validating environment for them…

I’m sure that, as I get better with the skills, all relationships will be better & they will flourish 🙂

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