Introspection


I need to do some serious introspection… as a lot has happened and changed in my life, especially in the last few months, but more so this year….

I’ve started working on myself.. and that’s great.. there are things that came as “second nature” to me, that now I would think twice before doing them, or simply not do them at all.. I have discovered that tiny space between when the emotion arises and the action takes place.. that tiny moment when I can breathe and think before I act.. that “count to 10” moment..

I’ve discovered emotions… mindfulness of emotions.. I’ve learned that if I try to push an emotion away it will stick around and haunt me… it will just intensify and give me a massive headache, or it will make me feel sleepy (as in can’t keep my eyes open, sleepy) …I’ve learned that not allowing myself to feel the emotion, not accepting that i’m feeling whatever it is I’m feeling will just haunt me, make me irritable, sad, mad, anxious and so forth… meta-emotion which really just intensifies the cycle and keeps me ruminating and feeling miserable….

And yet I KNOW….. like really, I KNOW that if I simply accept what i’m feeling, acknowledge the emotion, watch it, ride it, it will pass… emotions are.. they simply ARE.. there’s nothing we can do to STOP them… they ARE… we all have them, animals have them, they’re natural, normal, essential to our survival…

yet we learn to push them away, especially the “bad” ones.. and we try to desperately to hang on to the “good” ones… and in the grand scheme of things, there aren’t really good or bad emotions, there are just emotions… EMOTIONS….

so … i’ve been working on just accepting what i’m feeling… and a lot of the times it’s ok.. i can handle the fear, the anxiety, the anger… i can accept these, ride them and let them go… i’m still struggling with “sad”… sad comes with pain and i’m still judging it as “bad”… i know it does pass and i’ve experienced it as such.. but when i’m in an emotional episode of “sad” i’m still struggling with accepting it…

i also still need to practice allowing myself to feel, just feel… it’s so much easier to just accept what i feel and not judge it .. but there are certain things that apparently i’m not allowing myself to feel, thinking that i shouldn’t … i SHOULDN’T feel that… why shouldn’t I? emotions just are…. they are… and the sooner I remember that the sooner I can allow myself to feel… and the sooner the emotional episode passes and I can do whatever I need to do… but each time I push or avoid or run away from an emotion because I judge it (be it “bad” or “you’re not allowed”) the harder it is to move forward….i’m stuck in the “oh this is bad, i shouldn’t feel this” and i stay there… which doesn’t help….

now that i’m writing this… maybe i should sometimes accept that moment too…. the moment of “i can’t allow myself to feel this” and treat that moment and thought as a passing thought instead of fighting it… gotta try that


on another topic…. relationships… I’m borderline….which means that i’ve had a few (hahahah… funny.. how do you measure “a few”?) ok, lots, as in lots of relationships… i’ve been engaged 3 times and married once.. and that’s not all…

If I think about it.. there has been a pattern.. the borderline pattern: I’m lovely, absolutely lovely in attracting a new partner…. I smile a lot, laugh, am super friendly, show interest, pay attention… can match your interest, can keep conversations on just about any topic … and my eyes are smiling…. So the other person feels instantly at ease… feels understood, has a great time, fun, pure fun.. and thinks that I’m just fantastic.. so they’re hooked.. quite fast… as I know just how much or how little I should “give” in the beginning as in not too much to seem clingy or needy and not too little to seem uninterested… and of course sex is part of it… (sex has always been part of it… it seems to be my go-to coping mechanism… but the “sex is just sex” kind of sex.. not the “making love” … )

and what i really liked (i’m going to use the past tense since i am assuming that since i’ve started recovering i wouldn’t be doing these things anymore) so what i really liked was teasing them, making them want more… and then treat them like crap.. i’ve been soooooooo good at treating them like crap.. makes it easier to have them not want me and me feel abandoned… or does it? or maybe it was just me “acting like a child” (if we look at those Young dysfunctional schemas that BPDs have) so I start treating them like shit.. usually when they get too close.. and then i get scared of being abandoned… and i re-start the cycle of niceness and “love” and affection… so they can be re-hooked and not leave.. not just yet

“being a bitch”.. that was something i really liked and got good at doing… putting on a facade of “you can’t hurt me” and walls all around…. i’ve been called “self-centred” because all i cared about were my needs… i wanted to be satisfied and served and didn’t really care about the other felt.. as an example… i had this friend ages ago that really liked me a lot, cared for me and showed me so much affection.. and he really wanted to be with me, in all ways.. and I guess I chose never to have sex with him, slept with him in the same bed many times, letting him think each time that maybe this will be his lucky night… and I kept him near me for years.. teasing and giving him just enough hope not to leave…

at the other end of the spectrum there were guys that after sex i basically told them that they really sucked at it and left them hanging… .. so yeah… i was a bitch… royal bloody bitch….

love..? seriously… ? i probably made love a few times in my life (not talking about the last 5-7 months) .. i think there was this one time when i actually cried after sex and thought “wow… that was different… i actually felt a connection there… it wasn’t just about orgasming and being served.. there was something else there… what was it? ” and that lasted a while… until I just wanted to leave.. i always want to leave, to run away.. that’s why i’ve moved and lived in so many different places around the world and that’s why my go-to coping mechanism alongside sex is running away and moving house

and even this year…. let’s take a look… i started my adventure with my ex as a means of having sex.. that’s what i wanted.. clear as day… i just wanted sex… but the cycle started, as apparently 9 years of marriage doesn’t erase my past and past behaviour towards men… and so we fell in love.. or did we? maybe he fell in love and i was doing my thing: getting him hooked.. i don’t know… i don’t know because i can’t remember myself back then, i only know how i feel now and how my love for him has been transforming and can’t possibly imagine how i could have ever felt anything else towards him… so yeah, got him hooked.. so good at it (at least i know there’s something i’m good at, even if it’s not something to be proud of…… here i am judging myself again..:P) and i went through the cycles…. getting close, sharing, sharing dreams, hopes, lots and lots of sex, moments of happiness… and then me being a bitch…. how? how did i get back to being a bitch so fast? is it like riding a bike? …

and then at some point after going through the god damned cycle of borderline for so many times… i decided to start working on myself… and that’s when it all started to change… it still took a long time to realise the extent of my hurting him, the extent of my being a bitch and how much it hurt and damaged him… but it did come through, the realisation did materialise and I did acknowledge what I did… and when that happened…. I felt massive remorse .. (it’s not like i never realised how much i’ve hurt all those other guys in my past… i did… many times i’ve looked back and thought boy i was a bitch…) but this time i really was sorry… i really didn’t want to hurt him anymore.. and this came as i had learned to love him… while I was getting better, working on myself, I was also learning to love him… and that was interesting… it was a new feeling, a new emotion…

and now i have to stop my introspection as this is the point where i still need to accept my emotions towards him.. and learn how to be his friend and nothing else… gotta figure out a way to use my love as a friend and be there for him

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