It’s been a while …


It’s been a while since I wrote anything about my journey….

So… maybe I can try to review all that I’ve been through in the last 5 months since I started this “project”.. of working on myself and going through the skills and steps towards recovery…

I learned how to handle my emotions, how to “stay” with them, how to mindfully accept them as they are and let them go.. I remember the first time I did this… it feels ages ago, and yet it was only about 4-5 months ago… I thought I was angry … and I decided to take the first step and stay with it, explore what I felt, and let it go through me… I focused on how it felt inside, and soon realised that it wasn’t anger after all, it was fear… so I focused on how it felt… and soon was paralysed, literally I couldn’t move, my whole body felt heavy, moving my arm was impossible, moving my head was impossible.. and I was weighed down on the chair.. sinking into it, and feeling my body like a whale’s… heavy, heavy and paralysed… It was a very strange feeling.. and it’s funny how I can remember it so vividly.. I was scared.. scared of what I was going through… I mean what if I was going to be stuck in there, in that emotion forever?.. But I decided that there’s really nothing I can do, I started this process I might as well stick with it… I also remembered the cycle of anxiety and knew that if I just stick with it, it will subside eventually… It must have been ages.. I mean I think that I was paralysed in that emotion for a good 20 minutes if not more… then after it peaked.. I could feel it go down, slowly disappearing… it wasn’t fast, it took probably another good 10 minutes until I was done with it… and came back to my feeling normal, to not being heavy at all…. rather relieved and peaceful..

a_frozen_tear_by_shinydragonfly

I wish I was able to express how it was that first time and it makes sense to anyone reading it… cause it was the most interesting feeling… allowing the emotion to come, staying with it, not pushing it away, not running from it, not distracting myself from it (which is soooooo easy to do).. but rather stay with it… wallow in it, feel it to the fullest… feel it in my body, in my mind… feel it… and then allow it to pass… as it does.

It’s funny…. I mean I remember how much I dreaded feeling.. and how much I dreaded staying with the emotions.. cause it was hard.. (not to say that now, 5 months down the road it’s much easier… but at least now I know that they do pass) and I kept thinking “oh boy this one is sooooo shity” so in the beginning I definitely passed judgment on each emotion.. “this is so nasty, I hate this feeling” …or “this one is crapy and it won’t go away” or “i really hate this, when will it go away”…. and there were times, lots of times when i thought “i wold so much rather pull my hair out, cut myself or give myself a tattoo with my nails instead of feeling this” …. lots, lots of times I thought that to myself… that I would rather do anything else, especially something that would cause me physical pain instead of feeling the emotion…. and yet somehow I pushed those thoughts away and stuck with the emotion… and it did pass..woman-422708_1280_mini-002_mini

There was one of the times my ex broke up with me and I remember feeling pain.. like excruciating pain.. like again I would prefer to feel a razor knife on my skin instead of the pain… and i remember thinking that it sucks … and then catching myself judging the emotion… and telling myself “of course it sucks, pain sucks”.. and so I stuck it out… and that one.. the pain of being  left took a bit longer… but I stayed with it… and surprisingly it did pass…

Allowing the pain to pass doesn’t mean I wasn’t upset.. it just means that I felt it, I accepted it and let it go, the pain I let go..

I very recently had the magnificent chance of being allowed to make amends..this was the first time in my life that i’ve done that… to really go through all the hurt i’ve cause and acknowledge it… then accept it, then feel remorse and sorrow for what i’ve done, hate for myself, hate for hurting the other, pain for wishing that i could take it back… I don’t th25-things-only-long-distance-bffs-understand-2-28808-1422451543-6_bigink i’ve ever wanted so badly to take something back as much as i wanted to take all the hurt i’ve caused back… and we’re not talking about one incident that caused pain to the other, rather many many instances… as in more negative than positive incidents… and it’s interesting how the more i remembered and acknowledged them the more it hurt to realise just how much damaged i caused… and with each memory i wishes so hard i could take it back, i wished so hard i could change it..

and then i hurt… but i hurt a lot more realising that i hurt the other… my hurt was secondary.. which is definitely a first, not focusing on my hurt but rather on the other’s hurt…..and i knew that i had to go through this so i can help the other, because i really hurt him and i wished him to be well… i wish all the goodness… and there’s no getting to the goodness until i accept what i did to the other………………..so thank you for allowing my this experience.. thank you for allowing me to try to help you, thank you for allowing me to acknowledge and accept all the pain that i caused you…

i feel like i’m being selfish again…. writing about this experience…..but it was a first… i know that this wasn’t the first time i hurt someone else… but this is the first time I had the chance to really accept that I’ve done someone wrong and say sorry… like really sorry for what I did…

So… looking back at this journey…. what I can say is that each experience has been a step towards recovery… and now I am at the point where I can accept that I’m feeling something .. stay with it and let it go, not attach to it… although I have to admit attaching to the guilt of causing harm to the other… I felt I had to stay with the guilt a bit longer…. and I did… a whole day in guilt… it’s something that I think I had to do… for me.. so that I know really how it feels…so I can remember how it feels and try to not get there again, as in think before i hurt someone … it really sucks to hurt people … especially since I really value empathy… and compassion… how can I be compassionate if I’m hurting others.. not congruent… so I am sorry for the pain and hurt I caused… I really am


Self compassion

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism.  When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.

http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

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