break ups… and positive thoughts


Ok…

so I know that for a breakup for “work” you need time.. and time means breaking everything that has to do with an ex-partner, and trying to literally pull away, physically and emotionally … and distance yourself from anything that has anything to do with your ex-partner… it’s an normal process.. healing… letting go, moving on…. and yeah, it takes time..

and even though i’ve had many break-ups.. (too many probably) … and even though I know it does pass… (doesn’t everything? … a few days ago I thought the awful anger and jealousy wouldn’t pass and they did)… a few months back when I started “staying” with an emotion I thought my head was going to explode each time and I would have given and done anything else BUT stick with it…. so I DO know that it does pass … I DO know that this feeling will pass… like clouds in the sky, like waves that hit the shore.. like a hurricane that dies out or a tornado that eventually dissipates… but now it hurts.. it hurts to be in the middle of the pain, to be inside the tsunami… and to not be able to do anything about it, but wait, wait for it to end.. as it does end… I know it does…

And while a part of me… (the one that wants to speed up the healing process) is telling me that it’s for the best, that some things just simply don’t work out, or that yeah, everything has its run, its course, its beginning and its end…….another part of me wants to remember the good things too…

We tend to turn our exes into villains …. we do that to protect ourselves, to solve the cognitive dissonance .. to explain to ourself or justify  the decision we took to end it all…. it makes the break up easier..

and yet…. we were with that person for a reason… we had good times, and bad too, such is life… but we chose to be with that person in that moment, in that context because we wanted to, because we felt good… that can’t be changed. we can’t take back the good memories just because we have some bad ones too… we can’t erase parts of our lives because “it’s easier”…. denial isn’t an option. what was, was… what’s done is done, what is, is…

so… i’m really going to try an exercise of positivity… why try to erase everything, when i’ve had some great moments too… i’ve done this in the past a lot… a LOT.. trying to just hate the ex, trying to forget EVERYTHING… yet.. it’s ALL part of who I am.. it’s all part of my life narrative… it’s done.. so why not focus on the positives?

here we go….

  • first date: so anxious, cutely, amazingly cute anxiety from both ends…
  • first gift: his hands were shaking and my voice was trembling… adorable
  • first kiss: I was all over him, I waited for him to make the first move, then I literally jumped him 🙂
  • chemistry….. i’ve probably only had similar chemistry once in my life with someone else… a long long time ago… weird how we could turn each other on sooooooo badly… the kisses, the caresses, the touch of his skin on mine, his arms around me, him kissing my neck,, me biting his, him holding me tight and keeping me close…. chemistry…. damn chemistry 🙂
  • enjoying the stars… on a dark night, just being …
  • him cutely imagining that he can handle my PMDD…
  • him sharing his vision of the world … so idealistic, fresh, refreshing… so much reminding me of a younger version of me… hopeful, determined… how I really wish he would remember how much he wanted to do, to change the world… and how I was feeling so refreshed by his ideas and desires….
  • letting him drive…how much I really liked seeing him do it, and practicing it, and being there while he was getting better at it…
  • spring grass… laying in in and looking at the blue sky… taking pictures of each other
  • the smile on his face…. so cute and sexy and kissable
  • his being there…. just being… listening, understanding…. being there for me… I really appreciate it
  • drinking on the terrace… while enjoying the nigh view… peaceful
  • being close… allowing myself to be vulnerable, vulnerable to the core… thus trusting him…
  • trusting him…. loving him…. it took so long to learn how to do that, yet eventually I did.. and it was a lovely feeling,,, the love, being safe, being close
  • mindfulness.. taking in the moment.. be it staring at each other or caressing…. or mindful sex….
  • him telling me “this too shall pass” … yes my love, this too shall pass…

I am a better person, I know myself more, I understand myself more now… I know what I’m capable of.. things that maybe I’d forgotten, or thought they were done… so I am thankful for the time we had together… for the laughs, the smiles, the cries… the hugs, holding on tight….

If I choose to remember the positives doesn’t mean I’m “holding on”.. it just means I choose to accept that I don’t want to erase anything…. it’s part of me, these months ARE part of me, of my life.. that can’t be changed or erased.. and I don’t want to.

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