Older post.. but so relevant today


Here you are again…. an end to a relationship. You were so good at getting him hooked, in the beginning, you were charming, and there, and present, and loving… you mirrored his interests and supported him. It’s not the first time, you’re good at seeming so absolutely perfect at first. They fall for you. Why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling…

IMG_20151021_230532

And then… they want to enter your world… but it’s messy.. you’re reluctant at first to let them in. You know that it’s all safe as long as you’re in their world, and you support their dreams, get to know his life, his friends. And they all like you, why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling…

And then they want to know you, to know your world.. and it’s messy. But they insist, cause they think you’re the one. Why wouldn’t they? Your eyes are smiling… and you’ve been there, so supportive and affectionate, and so fantastic in bed…

And you say ok, let’s go into my world… and you open the gates… it all changes. Your world is messy and chaotic and you don’t really know who you are .. and you don’t know how to show the love…

Once you open the gates, once you let him in, you’re vulnerable… you start to think that he’s going to leave you.. why wouldn’t he? your eye are no longer smiling, you’re scared…

You’re so scared that he’s going to see the real you. But who is the real you? You’re lost and and scared, like a little girl who’s always alone… always ignored…. you know, scolded for smiling, scolded for being happy and never ever allowed to show emotions …

You were 5 or 6 years old the first time you told her that someone like you. What did she say? That you shouldn’t show emotions, cause emotions mean that you’re weak. Weak…. if you let people in, they’re going to hurt you. Don’t trust them… that’s what she taught you (your mom of course) No friend was ever good enough… there was always some fault that she found in them… which meant that you shouldn’t ever open up. So you learn…. you learn and learn and practice never to show feelings… Ok, you do show feelings, cause it’s hard to control yourself, but never pure love, cause it’s shameful to love. How could you love, when that means that you’re going to be hurt… not even that, love means you’re weak, you’re not independent, you’re not strong. Love means letting people in and you should never do that, or else you’ll lose yourself.

So there you are… older and “wiser”… you start relationships.. it’s easy. You’re charming, your eyes are smiling and they fall for you. It’s so easy to get them to fall for you. Why wouldn’t they? Your pretty, and sexy, and you’ve got an interesting attitude… playing hard to get yet being so forward and seeming like you’re strong and independent. You’re good at letting others think you’re independent. You don’t need anyone. And somehow that’s attractive to men…. seeing you strong.

And then they want to enter your world…. and that’s the beginning of the end. Your world is messy, your world is full of insecurities, of fear. Fear that you’re going to be abandoned. Why wouldn’t you? As soon as you let them in, it means that you’re no longer independent. It means that you are going to need them. God forbid you ever need someone… that means you’re weak. And you should never appear weak….

So once they’re in…… it’s almost over.. You start feeling insecure. They don’t understand what happened. What did they do wrong? Nothing really. Nothing changed with them. They just naturally wanted to take the relationship to the next level, to get to know you, to enter your world, to create a new one an “us”… but that means losing your independence… and god forbid you ever do that!

Your eyes are no longer smiling…IMG_20151021_230056~2

the boy is lost and confused.. and you start pushing him away… he wants to get closer, he wants to build an “us” yet you keep pushing and pushing away.

And then…. you do what you’re really good at… you run away. It’s so much easier to start over, to get another one hooked on you and keep things “easy” until he wants to get in… and then you push him away and start over…

How do you stop? How do you learn to trust yourself that you are enough, that letting people in doesn’t mean that you lose your independence?  What is that love that they are talking about? You wish you could understand, you wish you could feel it, live it…

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