My brain…

Aren’t our brains really weird intricate pieces of machinery…. I mean that’s nothing new…. but after the last few days I’m convinced of it…. really interesting, the brain and the way it’s so plastic.. and the way it can mould, change, interrupt your thinking, shut itself down, whirlind you into self-downing and bring you back up…

If ever I was in doubt that I have a chemical imbalance… on the Serotonin level, I am NO LONGER… I unfortunately did a little experiment… quitting SSRIs and going through the symptoms.. I’m back on them again and almost surprised at how great I’m feeling…

I had a few really hard days… really hard doesn’t even begin to describe what I went through…. Actually not just me, but my boyfriend too… I want to thank him for being there for me, for being strong. I wish I didn’t have to put him through what we went through … but it’s done.. and I can only thank him for having the Herculean strength to stick by me, even after I yelled at him to go, to leave me, to not touch me… hundreds of times… he was avalimazing

He kept telling me that it will pass and I kept saying that yeah sure, I know other moments have passed, but not this one, this one is here to stay, I’ll never get better…. boy was he right! Ok, it didn’t pass on its own, I had to go back to the doc and restart the SSRIs …but this just proves (if we were in a ABAB type of single subject experiment) that indeed i NEED the SSRIs…

Come on… if I were to use the Stress-Vulnerability model, to conceptualise my diagnosis… I know as a fact that I have one short allele of the 5HTTP gene… (which predisposes me to anxiety and depression) so I know as a fact that I have the genetic vulnerability… I also know as a fact that I’ve had a child high emotional reactivity as well as an invalidating environment….. so according to science there is no doubt that I have BPD..

But why did I think that it would have been ok to stop the SSRIs… maybe I got too cozy with handling my life on my own, working on myself, getting the hang of the DBT skills and realising that I can handle life, as it comes, with everything that’s thrown at me…

Well…. at least now we know… SSRIs work, they help me, they help me stay afloat, enough where I can actually apply all the skills I know… CBT, DBT, lots and lots of mindfulness..

It’s weird, yet not so much, how when you get broken, it’s like you’re engulfed in the emotion, be it sadness, anger (boy, was there tons and tons of anger during SSRIs withdrawal) fear or anything else… it’s like a tsunami hit, or you got caught inside a tornado or hurricane.. and there’s NOTHING you can do… except wait for it to pass… and when you’re in the middle of it, you literally don’t see the end, you literally don’t see a way out, you literally feel LOST and like you’re never going get out….

And yet life is funny…. cause the storm passes… it really does…. and yeah, there’s damage done.. but it passes.. and once it passes the skys clear and you are yourself again, and you can pick up the pieces and get yourself back.. stronger.

There’s clearly shame…. damn shame for the way you behaved.. it’s like when you were younger and you used to drink at parties and you did something stupid and hoped that everyone else was just as intoxicated that they wouldn’t remember what an ass you were to them and you could just blame it on the alcohol…..

Ok… so the last few days sucked… big time.. and I know that I was lucky to have A next to me, to be there and support me.. and keep at it.. I think he could be the poster child for perseverance for those few miserable days..

So…. the brain is an interesting structure.. and I really should give it more credit… there were times, bits and pieces of tiny memories, bits and pieces of metacognition that tried to surface when I was in the middle of those crazy insane anger thoughts …. yet they seemed so far away… like I could stretch to grab onto them but couldn’t…..  and it’s so interesting how when I was in the middle of all that crap I couldn’t possibly imagine that I would ever feel ok again, that I would ever trust myself again, trust that I can handle myself and get back on track….

but now I know I can….



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