It’s been a while… need to unpack


So… it’s been a while since I’ve written about my journey… so I really need to unpack….

I recently quit my SSRIs and last night was bad, withdrawal symptoms kicked in big time… I haven’t felt that insane, I mean literally insane in a very long time… it was so weird, each insane second came with a wave of faintness… like I literally felt like I was going to faint, to loose consciousness.. which in a sense I did, since I lost my mind last night… I cried… I wanted to punch, to scream, to throw stuff… but all I did was sent text messages to my bf and unfriend him on Facebook… yeah like that’s somehow supposed to hurt him? i was mad, raged and alone, empty yet so freaking full of dizziness and full of emptiness… i wanted him to be there for me yet he wasn’t.. i wanted him to be there to help calm down the withdrawal symptoms but he wasn’t… i guess what i did learn from last night is that I am the only person that will ever be there, truly there for me.. so if I feel insane, I’d better figure out a way to deal with it by myself since I am the only person that can help ME..  no, there was nothing real that he did, there was nothing that could be considered by a normal person as a trigger, he didn’t abandon me, he didn’t leave me, he said he loved me and he’d be there for me… but the withdrawal symptoms were soon shitty…. I felt so lost and alone…

I was so sure that that I can handle life… ok, yeah it’s a new day and somehow I survived last night.. eventually I did fall asleep and I guess the crazy went away… but I definitely didn’t know how to “stay with it” last night.. I did everything possible to distract.. and I know from experience that it doesn’t help… I’m hoping that if that insane crazy comes back I will be strong enough to stay with it and let it pass.. cause it does pass, everything does, it all flows away, like clouds in the sky, or waves hitting the shore… but it sure didn’t feel like that last night… and telling myself that i’m going through withdrawal symptoms didn’t make it better at all….

but it did I guess eventually pass… it’s not solved, like I know it can come back anytime and I don’t have a strategy of how to handle it…. but I am quite aware that not riding it, rather diving full front into it didn’t solve anything last night….

I think that last  time I felt this level of insane was after one of the last few really bad fights I had with my ex-husband (before we decided to get divorced) when he actually left the house and I actually locked him out… and there was a wave, like literally a wave of insane was over clouded me… and the only thing that worked that time was my sister trying to calm me down and to tell me to unlock the house and let him know that he can come back…

triggers… schemas… i hate schemas.. they really suck… a schema is like a script that you automatically run through like in a play when something familiar triggers it.. and the shity thing is that once a schema’s activated it runs its course, and sometimes it has nothing to do with reality, i mean with the reality of that specific moment.. men have generally the tendency in arguments to run through scripts, schemas … oh well..

sometimes i do realise that i’m in a schema.. but it’s like anger, you can’t stop it that easily once it’s been started… it’s difficult tot stop a tsunami once it’s started… all you can do is take shelter.. and maybe be more prepared next time a huge wave is about to hit….

yet… i think it would be stupid and unfair to blame it all on just the SSRI withdrawal… I’ve had a crazy month…. or even more… I don’t even know how many crazy and ping pall machine like months I’ve had lately.. yet somehow surprisingly I do get by… I’m not doing great, but I do get by… I manage to take care of the kids, I manage to get to work… I’m overwhelmed… but it seems to be a like a normal state for me… so I might as well admit it, accept it and figure out ways to just do one thing at a time and accept that some things won’t get done, or they won’t get done on time…. I hate that.. I hate not getting everything done, I hate not doing everything perfect (ok, or at least do everything…) I hate not managing…. yet apparently I’m not, I’m failing at stuff… not everything but I’m failing at some stuff… and after all isn’t that normal? it would be absurd to get everything done perfectly.. i’m not superwoman 😛

so how about some re-fraiming:

  • I survived last night… even tho I felt absolutely insane… I survived… not sure what the damage is yet, but I will deal with that as it comes
  • I am dealing with life little hassles as they come and most of the time I’m managing them decent… I can get the kids to school, pick them up on time, feed them, play with them, do fun stuff with them (even if it’s not every day)
  • I am mostly confident that I can handle life…yeah there are days or moment when I’m feeling lost and alone… but mostly I think I can handle it..
  • I am definitely more accepting of stuff… loving kindness helps…

What I do wish tho….. I’m allowed to wish …

  • to be skinnier (why is it that some people have time to work on that and I can’t? ) ….
  • to compare myself less with others and others’ lives…
  • to be less crazy 🙂
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