randomness…. and over-sharing


So.. this is where I stand

this has been a pinball year, not even a simple roller-coaster, but a pinball machine year, and it’s still only october

when I first started talking to you, I was doing something that I never thought I would do… start cheating on my husband. It was daring, it was exciting and it was scary… because i never ever envisioned a life without him, let alone ever looking at someone else… but i did. i took that step and started flirting with you and it was fun, and it was exciting and then we took it one step further and i started my “secret life” with you.. and it was really nice for a while, you were my safe heaven, the place where i ran away from all my problems, and you took me in your arms and made me feel like a woman… i was nothing more nothing less, just a woman, not a wife, not a mother, not anything else… i was just pure, naked, in your arms… and it felt really good…

then we opened up a bit more and i let you in my “other” life… the one where i had kids, and a home and i tried really hard to include you all while balancing the rest of the life and figuring out the best way to let the kids in on what was going on….

then it started getting a bit weird, with me trying to balance all my roles, going through the divorce, working through it, figuring out what my feelings were for my soon to be ex-husband…. yeah, it took some shity stuff but that shity stuff sped up the process of me getting closure and moving on from him… i know it wasn’t easy for you but it helped me a lot at that time… so thank you for that

then shit got even more weird and since it was getting serious… i started freaking out… one bit at a time i started freaking out.. because somewhere in my mind i was just getting out of a 9 year marriage and most likely wasn’t ready for a committed new relationship… and so i started pulling away.. it wasn’t fair for you

actually a lot of the stuff that’s been going on in the last almost 8 months isn’t fair towards you…. my life has been a mess.. and while those first few months when we were in our little bubble, where we had our secret life…. were great, i really felt alive.. and you were absolutely amazing…so while that was great.. the rest has been totally unfair to you…

i haven’t had time to process anything…. not my divorce, not the fact that i’m alone, not the fact that i got kicked out of the house, not the fact that what’s her face was trying to raise my kids with prayers and shit.. not the fact that the boys were ping-ponged b/w my and him, not the fact that i had to move .. got a job really fast which meant that i had no time with spend with the boys, quitting it.. not knowing yet what i’m doing…

it’s a fucking mess…

and all through this… you’ve been there.. and you’ve been supportive and listening and mostly helping… and YEAH, i KNOW that somewhere in your mind we should have had a relationship, a normal one, or as close to normal as possible…. and yet i haven’t had the chance to work on that… i haven’t … i’ve taken for granted that you would be there and didn’t realise that i wasn’t being the girlfriend you or anyone would want or need at any point in their lives.. and sometimes i feel like given all the mess that i’m going through i’m doing an ok job as a girlfriend.. but mostly i suck at it… i’ve got too much going on to realize and to put in the effort to be a girlfriend.. i’m lost and confused, and i have too much to deal with… and yeah i totally agree with you: we need a plan, we need to do stuff together, we need to have moments of togetherness.. i totally agree with you.. it’s not absurd what you’re asking, it’s quite normal and to be expected…

yet here i am… overwhelmed by life… how can i possibly give you what you need? how can i possibly give us what we need to grow our relationship, to make it work?

i’m overwhelmed by everything: the boys’ schooling, the way they deal with everything: divorce, move, not enough time with me, their dad not being there.. i’m overwhelmed by the fact that i don’t have a job… when i did it wasn’t working out, i hated it and it wasn’t paying enough…. i’m stressed out about it

i’m stressed out about not being a good mom, i’m stressed out about finding and keeping a job… i don’t even know… i’m stressed out about how to deal with my patients and when to schedule them, who should get the kids when i’m doing that… it’s just a lot…

and YEAH i would absolutely love to have time with you, to spend time with you, to do fun things, to go out, to have togetherness and happy moments and all that stuff that means a relationship…. we got the chemistry, the sex is great, we did have happy moments… so all the ingredients are there… i’m just not capable of putting it all together ….

i don’t remember what the point was when i started writing…

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i completely understand your needs… and i completely support your decision to attend to your needs and i can understand that you’d get fed up with my crazy… i would too…

especially since all these aren’t enough… i’m emotionally unstable and have PMDD as well.. don’t know how to express emotions or how to keep relationships.. so .. all in all i’m a mess..

i have to sort myself out.. i don’t know how i can promise you that we could work, that we could commit, when i can’t even figure out small stuff… committing and working on a relationship is big, big stuff, requires work.. and i’m overwhelmed by everything else, that i can’t handle.. so obviously i feel like there’s no way i can handle a relationship … how? i mean how? i can’t keep asking you to be patient… my life IS a pinball machine… and i’m having a hard time handling it.. like really i’m having a hard time

 

8 oct 2015

I can’t do this, whatever it is anymore… I can’t sit on the side-lines and watch you live your life. Either I’m in it or I’m out… and since we apparently made it quite clear that we can’t make it, we’re never going to make it as a couple, I see no point in trying to milk it off its last drops….

let’s just call it quits… i know it will hurt, but i can’t stop feeling what i’m feeling for you… and it doesn’t help having these feelings when you’re getting close to other women, in the normal process of letting go… i don’t want to be part of it. this road you walk alone, or well, not alone, but not with me. i love you, and i will love you, i want your happiness, and if that means to get close to other girls, hooking up and going out and having fun, then be it, i support and understand you. But I will not stand by to listen to your hook-up stories, I have no role in that.. it doesn’t make any difference that we love each other and we have great chemistry… I don’t know what role I have and this one.. where I’m the occasional sex partner, yet when we are together we’re really super close… I can’t handle it.

It’s taken me a long time, a really long time to learn to get close to you, to let you in, to love you, to accept you and to only want what’s best for you. But each time we have a good day, when you leave from here you go back to your other fun life with girls your own age. I can’t compete with that… So i’m letting you go. Go have fun, enjoy life, do everything and love it! And i’m sincere when I wish you all the best, i know you can do it, i know you can do anything you set your mind to.

Best of luck, be happy, be loved, have fun and enjoy life!

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