I really don’t like this feeling

I really hate the way I feel now… I know it’s an emotion and it will pass.. I know it will pass, they always do… but it’s kind of similar to the way I felt when I realised I love him… it was like I know it’s an emotion and I know it will pass.. and I really didn’t want it to pass, yet I knew I wanted it to stop, I knew I wanted to keep my walls up and not let him in., but I did.. and now i’m in pain and i wish i was;t in pain i wish i didn’t let myself be vulnerable i wish i kept to myself and just stay miserable the way i was… now i know what love feels like and i wish i didn’t i wish i never knew what love meant

it was easier when i just knew how to lure them in and how to charm them … and i never had to open up truly to anyone

i wish i wasn’t hurting  but i am… i am and i know that he’s sad too ….

what sucks is know that it’s over.. the whole concept of the end.. i don’t like ends or endings….

it’s not my first breakup so i know that this hurt will get better.. but what it is, is that feeling that i finally learned how to god damn love… why? what’s the point in learning how to love if the person you finally love walks away?

why trust if people are just going to walk all over you? why? oh it’s so easy to go down that stupid spiral of self loathing… i’m old, i’m divorced and with two kids and three cats.. seriously why or how could anyone ever enter into my life? and why would they?

oh well… this is what it is… i gotta accept it.. it is what it is… it’s done…

seriously… this has been such a year… and it’s only september still… so much more to take in..

god damned pinballing


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