Another day… another chapter closed


Life is funny…. but not haha funny… so another chapter closed today… Friendlover … I guess the age difference finally took its toll… he’s ready to have fun with people his own age, not be stuck with me and my kids… I guess I should have known that we’d get here someday.. I just kind of hoped that it wouldn’t happen right as soon as I learned how to love him.. why did I open up, why did I let my feelings be, allow them to grow and allow myself to get close to him?

So .. maybe instead of feeling super down depressed and beat myself over the fact that he left… (yeah..13 years apart.. I should have figured earlier that this day would come.. but even if I would have what would I have done differently? it was all a learning process… going through DBT skills I learned how to acknowledge my emotions and let myself feel for him, really feel…. it sucks… yet I know it was good

So instead of focusing on the fact that this year has been such a god damned rollercoaster… or better yet a pinball machine … better metaphor than the rollercoaster … instead of focusing on how hurt I am… especially since he didn’t fight for me.. and honestly it’s only been like 7-8 months since my ex-h didn’t fight for me either …so that hurt… instead of focusing on the crappy things i’ve been going through… let’s try re-fraiming…

Re-fraiming…..

all the positives I’ve had with Friendlover

– he made me feel like a woman… when we first started seeing each other I had reached that point in my life when I thought that I was done.. 35 and well-done, done with sex, done with being being anything more than just a mother, wife and whatever… so yeah, I will always be grateful for him making me feel like “just a woman” ..

(tho it’s funny how this is coming back to bite me in the ass …since I was and am a woman, and I think he just needs a girl, someone his own age)

  • he made me feel young…. like I forgot that I was old, and with kids and responsibilities..

(tho, again it’s funny how I guess now he’s done with that and needs someone his own age)

  • he listened to me… for hours on end..
  • he truly listened to me, heard me out
  • he thought he could handle my PMDD.. which was cute, that he thought that when he didn’t really know what the hell it was
  • he didn’t think he could handle my BPD… but he did it quite well… for a while..
  • he fought hard to keep me close… and it worked…

it really sucks when people aren’t on the same page…

my ex-h didn’t want to move to another country… he was scared

and I guess Friendlover just is a different age… and we’ll never be on the same page because of that and because of my life context…

It’s been a long weird and interesting year… and it’s not even over, tho I wish I could just close my eyes and when I open them a new year would start and I could start over… or at least say ok we’re done with that, let’s move on

The year started with me still trying to work on my marriage…. that didn’t work.. and when I suggested we get divorced I got the “ok, you’re right”… which is what I got today.. when he told me that he had so much fun last night with people his own age and how he remembered how much fun it was to go out.. (sure, he’s 23, of course he’s going to like to go out on a Saturday night and party.. that’s what I did when i was his age.. I didn’t or wouldn’t have wanted to be bogged down with a mate that’s much much older and has two kids… why would I?)

so… that’s that.. it is what it is. I can’t change it. He’s right in wanting to be free and have fun and explore and go out and party… and all those things that people in other life contexts do…

I should I guess just be happy of the time we did have… there were plenty of closeness moments and happy moments.. but since my life context is what it is and top that with my BPD and PMDD.. yeah… those moments are few….

I’m sure there would be much more to write, and I’m sure I will write more.. but for now… I tried re-fraiming.. and I’m trying to look at the positive side of it all….. I got to feel young for a bit… I got to feel love and loved… and that’s that..

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