this is where i stand

so the situation is really fcked up with Friendlover .. who apparently loves me (why else would he stick around for so many months on end…)  and I love him (no surprise since I wrote about it here on the blog) … YET … he’s hyper vigilant to everything that I do wrong, every single fucking outburst I have he’s there to remind me and to POINT IT OUT that i’ve treated him badly and made him feel miserable… and that’s not enough, because even if he walks away he’ll come back to make sure I UNDERSTAND how I made him feel..

It’s pure behaviourism: negative re-inforcement  PLUS punishments… yeah punishments.. punishments for behaving the way I do… I don’t get positive feedback when I behave well, but negative, lots and lots of it… yeah he doesn’t scream at me like my mom does but she’s also a professional at pointing out EVERY SINGLE bad or wrong thing I do… seriously I’m fucked up, I’m broken, I’m stupid, I’m nothing, I can’t do anything right, everything I do I mess up…. so why would anyone want me in their lives???????????


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Lunna Raven
    Sep 15, 2015 @ 10:32:26

    I could be wrong, but that seems to me like an abusive relationship.



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