Once again…. anxiety

Last time I was having a rough time and ended up waking up really early with panic… it really helped writing….

so here I am… the thoughts that are racing through my mind is about her raising my children….. I understand that we got divorced and my ex-h is dating her, but she’s got 3 kids of her own and honestly should have NO business raising mine, even if they’re there together, when the boys are on his time

how did this come about? my ex-mother in law and sister in law visited and we got to talking and it seems like the attitude is: oh well you divorced him, what did you expect.. and it’s like yeah i know i divorced him but i don’t think that his new g-f has any business raising my sons… that’s not how it works. the new beau doesn’t have say on how you raise your kids… i mean just because she’s moved into his house and is dating him doesn’t really mean that she should be able to boss my kids around .. let alone teach them to pray or impose her own values onto them

like i said to the ex-mother and sister in law… if the praying will continue, i will have to talk to my boys, or even forbid their going there..i’m kinda hoping that they got the point, that i would be willing to go that far, as to not allow them to go visit or spend time with their dad if he’s allowing the praying and all these new values..

ok. so i divorced him and since it was all civilised and i didn’t fight him in court, i don’t have full custody over the boys, we have equal rights… i have the feeling that i didn’t thing this one through.. i should have fought him in court and taken the kids away from him….? that’s silly and stupid. i worked really hard on him building a relationship with the boys ever since they were born so although i don’t like his parenting style, i do care about the bond …

so.. once again i’m in a black & white situation not a black or white but AND.. so typical … the I want you close yet far away… I want them to spend time with their dad, yet I really don’t .. because I don’t like his parenting and lately I really don’t like that he’s allowing her to parent them… by definition parenting implies a parent.. well she’s not their parent and will not be, maybe at best a step-parent but they have no reason to listen to her…. i guess i’ve taught them to listen to the adults when i’m not around.. and they probably are… i will have to do a refresher course… but if he constantly leaves the boys with her then she’s the adult.. so they have to listen to her

this whole having 2 parents really sucks… i wish i didn’t have to share the boys with him,…. and yet i really do, because it’s important to have quality time with their dad

I guess what really sucks is that I know that i’m also PMDDing, that I’m quite dissatisfied at work and there’re plenty of other stuff going on at the same time…. so I don’t even know how much I should trust my frustrations.. since my perception is distorted.. and again i’m not sleeping.. which obviously never leads to anything pleasant

oh well…. at least i’m writing and I know for a fact that that helps.. even if no one is reading, just focusing on typing the words and getting the thoughts out of my head, re-focusing my attention on writing and focusing on trying to get out semi-coherent sentences.. that does help.. it’s like colouring .. that would be great now, but probably not enough .. so writing helps.. and if i have to i will keep doing it… until it turns into a stream of consciousness.. and then it will really be un-coherent

just read this really lovely article about not getting married, great read https://prideinmadness.wordpress.com/2015/09/06/why-i-dont-want-to-get-married/

and another one http://www.vice.com/read/what-is-it-like-to-date-with-borderline-personality-disorder-999

They start out thinking, “I love this guy, he’s the greatest,” but if he does a minor thing that disappoints them, they get deeply disturbed. Everything is done with passion, but it goes from being very happy and passionate to very disappointed and rageful.

What advice would you give to someone who is dating a borderline and wants it to work?
If they want it to work they need to either be prepared to give reassurance: “I’m not leaving you, you’re safe with me.” Or they have to suggest that that person gets some therapy before being in a relationship. Or if it’s too much for them they should get out of there sooner rather than later.

these have nothing to do with how I feel but it’s a good distraction method.. or re-focusing my attention on something else…


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