Feeling old… Feeling tired…feeling lost, alone, scared

I know that being tired accentuates all the emotions … Plus apparently I’m already in the luteal phase…urgh damn PMDD..

So my friendlover.. if his friends think that I’m old does he think so too? I mean ok 13years older and a “mom”…and crazy, bpd crazy…and all over the place with the emotions..on one hand getting close and embracing the closeness…and in the same time pulling away…I mean seriously how can a 36yo be so childish (me!) and not know how to deal with emotions and relationships…and why should I be the one vulnerable and scared? 

Rambling….PMDD, tired… I honestly feel like never answering his calls or seeing him again… Why get close? I honestly don’t understand. I get that it’s happening to me, I get that I’m feeling lots, positive emotions towards him and yet all I want to do is stop then

I was a horrible g/f back when that’s what he wanted…I was inconsiderate, uncaring… I was lovely in the beginning getting him hooked and then I started putting away….and he didn’t have a clue as to why…. Neither did I …it was something I learned and practiced lots….. I am quite good at running away 

And now I’m confused….on one hand I really like the closeness and on the other hand I want to be alone I don’t deserve to be loved or even a bit cared for…I’m no good 

I guess this blog is good for analysing how much I really change my emotions and how at times it’s so hard to deal…

I’m definitely tired and PMDD-ing… 


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