Waiting for the sun…

The Moon is shining… and I am literally waiting for the sun as the anxiety woke me up and isn’t letting me go back to sleep… I went out on the balcony for coffee… and was confused as to why it’s still dark outside….

I don’t like it when the anxiety wakes and keeps me up… but here it is.. I have to accept it. Yeah, it didn’t choose a good night to pop up, especially since it’s been really good not bothering me, for quite a while now… I have two job interviews today… and also work of course…

so until my ex-h “invited” me to move out I used to have these anxiety attacks a lot, at night, almost every day… very non-specific, yet very present … I thought that my SSRIs are causing it… but it turns out that it’s not the meds..

seriously when is the sun going to rise? Now that i’m up I want to see the it 🙂

yeah… so the anxiety.. I figured that if I put it all out, on paper, maybe if I let all the emotions and thoughts out, they will leave, dissipate and let me be…

So what is it that keep my night anxiety well-fed? let’s see… my sons told me again (as in, it’s not the first time) that it really bothers them that their dad’s new g/f (the one with 3 kids, that moved in faster than i moved out)  prays before dinner and also lately before bed-time. Ok so maybe some people will get offended when they read this… but we raised the kids non-believers, rather as scientists.. and more so, we talked about evolution and conception and made a HUGE deal about the religion classes that are mandatory at school.. and by “we” I am talking about their dad and I, we really made an effort to get them out of the religion classes …** which, just to explain, it’s basically sermons, it’s not free will, this is what some people believe in, or the benefits of believing are… blah blah, but rather stuff like “you will rot in hell” and actual teachings ..which is something that we agreed upon that we will not impose on the kids.. it will be their choice but we didn’t want them from the crib …

so it bothers me and it obviously bothers the kids that the new g/f is praying with them there.. it may seem innocent enough but when they prayed at school we made a huge deal to not to do it… I guess it bothers me because it bothers the kids and because i apparently have no control over this… but if he’s not going to respond in some pro-active way i will let him know that i can probably intent a trial to take the kids away from him and have full custody myself or something… i don’t care and i have raised the kids to really and truly accept that each with their own beliefs and they understand that the world is big and that there are lots of beliefs and gods and customs around the world and we talked about different religions … but if they don’t feel comfortable and they feel like it’s imposed onto them, then yeah i don’t agree with that  and i will remove them from that environment i guess…

more…? apparently the kids think that the new g/f is moving in because she and their dad will get married after they go to Africa for Xmas.. which is quite funny… for so many reasons… our honeymoon was in Africa… and the other funny thing is, i guess the fact that she’s quite religious and her faith and church don’t allow her to have sex outside of marriage .. (ok i will do my best to not judge.. but seriously i can’t .. i mean 21st century.. she’s been divorced for a while.. no sex outside of marriage? and my ex-h .. thoroughbred atheist is now converting? ) … rambling

i know i’m not supposed to judge and i know it doesn’t HELP me to judge.. but this is a more of less safe place and no one is forced to read what i write, so if someone is offended, they can click the page off…damn it I am judgmental now… it bothers me that she’s moved in already… it bothers me that she’s praying with my kids there, it’s bothering me that he lets the kids with her for such a long time … again, apparently she’s moved in and he has literally gone back to his old habits, of doing whatever he needs to do for work and leaving the woman at home with the children, except that this time it’s not me the woman it’s her.. and ok i don’t really care what he does with her but i do care that my kids are involved and they are left with her…..

i understand that i am the one that divorced him.. and i understand that his time is his time… but i can’t help it, here, i AM bothered by the fact that the kids spend so much time with her… not with him not with “them” as a new blended family whatever, but with her.. … i think that this is really what’s truly bothering me, not him spending time with her, not him now being very imaginative & innovated in taking her to Africa where we went.. but her spending time with the boys. I don’t want her raising my children. it’s that simple.

I told him yesterday that the boys are bothered by the praying and the answer was that he was going  to talk to the boys,,, i said no, maybe not with the boys but why don’t you analyse what’s going on..I can talk to them and explain rational the situation (I would probably continue the nice words.. of your dad is your dad..and this is his new life… but i would also insist on NOT being forced upon them a new set of values…i mean honestly… i’ve worked so hard at teaching them about hard work, perseverance and getting back up .. and nothing falls from the sky and we make mistakes and learn from them… and now she’s going to screw all that up?? isn’t it enough that i have to let the boys be part of a culture that have over 90% believers… and by beliers i mean people that are actually so lazy (i understand this may seem like a generalisation, but i’m trying to make a point) lazy that they believe that ‘god’s will” and instead of actually working for stuff and instead of actually putting in the effort they prefer to wait for god to do and give… i have no problem with people believing for comfort and support.. and i’ve read a lot of research studies on religiosity and stuff and i know exactly what the added benefits are.. but here in this culture the idea is that we don’t do anything, and i literally mean anything because god will help us… .. and honestly god doesn’t help if you’re just laying there waiting for shit to fall out of the sky… you gotta work for it…

I guess now that I’m writing all this stuff down I am realising what is actually bothering me about her..it’s been bugging me that i get this crappy feeling each time I take them to their dad’s house and she’s there… she’s there all the time lately and her girls went on a trip with their dad.. and i, silly me, thought the the mother went to her house…but i guess her new house is my old house.. so even if the girls aren’ there she is.. and it’s definitely bothering me.. it’s not longer the feeling of  being replaced, which clearly i am, at least at that location, at that house i AM replaced.. as she’s there, all the time… and again.. why would i care, which i don’t what the ex is doing, it’s his business who he  sleeps with and spends time with… but apparently she’s raisin my kids… and they don’t like it anymore than i do …

so on one hand i don’t want to interfere and i understand that life is complex and my boys cannot live in the bubble that I’d like .. where they are surrounded by people of same values and stuff… i understand that.. and i guess it’s good for them to see and experience different things.. as that’s how they get mental representations of the world and they actually will be more rounded people for it.. and more adaptable and stuff… but i feel like already i’ve given up control or some part of it when they entered the schooling system (which i’m not going to talk about now )

so i guess i have a few options: do nothing and feel miserable… change the situation …which the way i see it could be : i talk to the ex and let him know that it bothers me and the kids that she’s praying.. and see if she can do that in her own time and not impose it on them.. this option would show my kids that i’m standing up for them and our values… I could just talk to her directly and let her know the same thing… I could tell my ex that if nothing’s changing I’m going to try to take him to court and not let him see the kids anymore.. I could explain to the kids that this is life and we can’t control everything and they should learn to deal with the situation.. I could work on myself on accepting the reality that I can’t or that maybe even if I try nothing may change, as it’s his house (or their house.. although I haven’t gotten my share of $$ yet so it’s still technically my house too, even if I don’t live there anymore)

so … even if it may seem like i’m powerless… i’m really not. I will talk to the ex and let him know about the situation and see what happens.. i will try to the “peaceful” assertive approach first and not let him walk all over me and my values… then I will see what happens.. I will also explain, or rather re-explain to the boys that people have their own beliefs and we respect that..

I also know that I have to somehow work on them not being submissive to their dad… I will work on teaching them how to stand up and how to express themselves.. it’s not something new, but now I have less control over it and I know the way he parents (after all I divorced him because we didn’t agree on parenting)

…. people are strange


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