Afraid..


Why am I so afraid…? I really don’t want to be, yet I am. And yes, I know that “this too shall pass”.. and I know that the “afraid” will fade and the moment of fear will be gone.. but long term?

I am afraid of love.. maybe it’s stupid, maybe it’s silly and I definitely know that it’s a skill I haven’t learned yet.. I’m still a beginner.. still working on DBT 101… mindfulness… and radical acceptance.

Maybe if I just learn to accept that this is what I’m feeling? But what is “this”? I mean I know that I’ve said “I love you” to other boys.. for God’s sake I was married for 9 years so I know that I’ve said those 3 words.. but what did it mean..? And if now I’m learning that it means something else.. why am I afraid of it?

Why is it so scary to let myself feel it? Well.. it’s not like I’m stopping it, as I am engulfed in it, but I’m just afraid of bringing it into consciousness and even more so speaking it.. because I feel like I am going to be rejected and abandoned.. and why bother.. I mean seriously, what does it even mean? Why do I think I feel that anyway?

I don’t know…what I do know is that I love his smile and the way he looks at me.. the way he really wants to listen and understand me, and how he’s there, there for me. And I know that I truly want him to be ok, to be happy. I want to be there for him, to support him….

And yet… re-reading what I wrote so far I get the same anxiety and fear… by god it sucks that I can’t just own my feelings… just own my emotions… I mean after all, this is an emotion, it’s not like I can just turn it off..

and yet the anxiety is so strong…. yeah yeah it will pass… and anyway now that I think about it… there’s no way to ever get over my abandonment fear if I keep all my emotions inside . I obviously don’t want to be left, to be quitted to be abandoned… but what if I miss out of life and happy moments just because that fear is blocking my emotions? … so let’s face the fear and embrace the love… and just take it one step at a time.. and i’m quite certain that the world will not end if I allow my emotions to be… and if the world does end, it will not be because i’ve let my emotions just be 🙂

You make me laugh when I want to cry,
Make me live when I want to die,
Make me smile when I want to frown,
You turn my life upside down.
Believe in me when no one else does
You’re my now, my is, my was.
When you call my name I begin to blush,
I’m afraid people notice I need you so much.
When I’m with you time flies by fast.
It’s like the present is the past.
I need you more than you can believe,
Love you more than you can conceive.
Think about you every night and day
And hope my life can stay this way
I don’t want it to be any other way.

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