Some days are shitty

I get that some days will be less pleasant than others… or that sometimes I will score higher on the pinball machine… be thrown off course and rocked, and swallowed by the current, taken under the wave..

but … today I really feel like a failure… ok so the Earth is still spinning, the world didn’t end just cause I had a bad day.. but I really feel swamped by all the negative stuff… by all the stuff that I feel that I’m failing at…

like… I feel like I’m an incompetent mother… why? because my youngest son appear to show affection through hitting.. or maybe he’s not showing affection, maybe this is just the way he likes to express himself these days?

but if he is expressing himself like this.. isn’t there an underlying cause? like maybe he’s taking the whole divorce and us moving and the whole chaos of this week with me, next with their dad, which we can’t keep to, because of our own schedules, so we’re really ping-pong-ing them b/w us.. and they don’t even know which day they will spend where… although these last 5 days they’ve been with me, just here in the new home.. and they seem to have adjusted here already… yet today I feel like i’m just not good enough.. I don’t know what to do… I don’t have the resources, mentally, physically to be there.. to do the right things, to help them through.. i just don’t have the energy…

I dropped my cigarets in the lake… accidentally of course, and the elder was so thrilled.. like oh that’s great mom now you can quit.. yeah like i don’t wish that i could quit… they’ve been pointing out how much money i’m wasting on them… but although it’s a nasty habit… i feel it helps me… and they have no clue what i’d be like if i have to quit… last time i quit the context was different.. i was on a 5 week retreat and I wasn’t allowed to smoke.. and no-one did, and we meditated a lot and there was a pool right outside my room, so I could dive in anytime I felt an urge to smoke.. and then when I got back I realised that I didn’t need them anymore… but with the divorce I started again, even though I wasn’t quite sure that I wanted to.. but now I’m hooked again… nasty habit.. and I hate myself for not being able to quit… I know it’s not a great model for the boys, I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s money thrown out… but I’m not ready yet to deal with the withdrawal emotions ….

what else… freaking pinball….. I am angry at myself because I wish Friendlover was more than just a friend and a lover,…. he’s there for me, and he’s supportive, and caring, and helpful, and empathetic and kind…. and I hate that I feel like I need some sort of security that he’d be there when I finally figure out how to be in a relationship.. cause obviously I have no clue.. since I can feel that I want to be close and afraid of getting close, all in the same time… and I can feel myself pulling away, withdrawing from him.. yet I don’t want to do that, but I do.. and there’s nothing he can do, he can point it out, but it’s not going to help… so I hate that I feel like need him to be there, that I need him to promise to be there? that’s just stupid…. it’s like I’m insecurely attached … and I need to know that I won’t be alone through this…

Why is it that others know how to be happy? Friendlover says that I know how to be that… I just don’t know how to turn off the background noise that keeps me from staying happy.. I don’t know how to handle the stress .. and I’m definitely under a lot of stress these days…. and I know that i’m not alone, but why do I feel like I need some security? it seriously sounds like a poor attachment .. like I need a parent figure that I know is there and will be there… and yet i don’t want him to be a parent figure, i want him to be more like a partner figure.. yet if we were to analyse his behaviour, with a rational mind, it would appear that he is there, he’s supportive and understanding and he wants to help me and to be there and he tries really hard to understand me .. yet why am i so scared? why is it that i feel like i need some sort of a guarantee? for what? just because I know that i’m still at DBT 101.. still learning the core, mindfulness.. and i’m so far from the interpersonal relationship skills….

Oh yeah.. and of course that lately i haven’t had enough time to write here and practice my skills… and that makes me upset, cause I know that I really need to work on myself…but these last couple of weeks have been so crazy.. moving, and my ex-h that says that he’s checked the house and there’s not much left there that’s mine, or that I use anyway… each time I tell him that I still need to take stuff he says he’ll pack it and bring it over….. that’s what he did a few days ago, when I said that I’d be by to pick up the kids and pack some more.. he said that he’ll pack for me, and he did, he came with a truckload, the boys and the 3 cats…

yeah so the world didn’t end even if I cried today, even if i was triggered, by the stupidest stuff… even if i kept feeling like a worthless piece of shite… like when we went to the park .. the three of us and Friendlover and the boys were misbehaving and getting cranky… and then we got home and the younger one had a serious anger fit with lots of screaming and crying… and I was thinking that wow… this is bad, i mean this is the real me, the real life and now he’ll get to see how bad a mom I really am and leave… and yeah, i did manage to calm the young on down … i did manage to help him relax and get him to move on from what he wanted…

so… I’m struggling.. and I know that there will be more days like this.. and I do realise that the world isn’t ending, it’s not a catastrophe … yet I do feel shitty and worthless … and I know it will pass.. but how do you live in the moment? friendlover nicely explained to me and he just takes it all as it comes… just live in the moment.. how do you do that? how do you now worry about what will happen?


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