It must be so difficult to deal with me ..


So I’m sitting here and thinking …. that I must be difficult to handle… like Friendlover has been so great at being there for me… yesterday I finally caught the cold that’s been going around… so I asked him to help me out with the kids, and he did, and it was all great..

Emotion Regulation Handout 14 PLEASE Skills DBTAnd here I am thinking that he’s distant… I know… I remember the mnemonic PLEASE from Emotion regulation  .. and I realise that the first two letters PL are exactly what I’m going through… physical illness.. plus my period, plus the stress I’m going through with work, moving…. and yet… I realise that my perception is distorted.. and so what? What am I supposed to do with that? Just accept I guess that what I’m seeing isn’t really what I’m seeing….? That my perception of him being distant is just a false impression….. it really sucks when you can’t trust your senses… yet I am aware that I can’t trust my senses when there’s so much other stuff going on…. 

But yeah… I must be so difficult to handle… like how can I wake up in the morning feeling loving, and getting close.. and wanting to embraced and hugs and loved… and then somewhere along the lines.. the pinball machine knocks me down… and I’m feeling worthless.. and distant…

It must be tough to handle me… I mean how do you know what to say? How do you know to accept that I’m just not being “myself” and not take personally  some of the stuff I’m saying like “why are you pulling away from me?” or “why are you distant” when most probably you aren’t that…

I must be hand to handle when I’m questioning you… when I’m assuming, falsely I guess… that you stopped caring.. when probably in your mind we’ve gotten close and you’ve proven to me, through your actions, that you ARE there with me and for me, and you are supportive, and caring…yet I’m seeing something else… it must be tough and stressful to watch me pull away just because my perception is distorted and you’ve done nothing different

It’s hard for me too.. cause I want you close, I want to feel your arms around me, to feel close, to feel the connection… cause I do remember that it felt nice, that it felt warm and cozy and pleasant and safe… and I like it… yet now I’m stuck in this distorted perception… of stress… and panicky about what I am going to do when I’m sick… I mean really, how do single moms afford to be sick? what do you do? I’m really worried about this… ok, so yesterday and today have been ok, figured it out.. and the world didn’t end cause I was stuck in bed sick… but it’s keeping me up at night worrying about what to do…

so Yeah… it must be difficult to handle me… i’m sure… and part of me is asking why? why would anyone want to “handle” me.. why would anyone want to be there and try to get close to me? And yet I see him getting close, and being there.. he’s really been wonderful at being there, and understanding, and caring and helping…. then why am I questioning ..?

I’m hoping that this too shall pass… I’m taking care of myself physically so I can get back on track…

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