Urgh…still at basic mindfulness skills..

A feeling of anger is arising in me… it’s strong… I have no energy and yet I have so much stuff to do… I’m starting two new courses next week and I should be preparing the worksheets and the material, as well as the presentations…. yet… the first half of the day went by arranging, sorting a bit … since we’ve just moved into the new house… and shopping for necessities in the new place….

now I really should be getting ready … and the kids are actually playing together, on their own… yet I feel that I can’t concentrate …. just figured out why… their game is pretending to clean & repair the house.. except some of it isn’t pretend.. they’ve got screwdrivers and are screwing in nuts and bolts that are loose…. yet I am kinda fuming… why? I feel an intense anger…  maybe I would actually prefer to relax? but I know I can’t… I have to get the stuff ready, so I can prepare the courses… I won’t have any time on Monday

I would prefer they played with something else.. I don’t need them to actually work with tools.. they can pretend if they want, to paint the walls, or to use measuring tape to measure the heaters or the walls… but that’s all I can allow them to do, nothing more.

How can I split myself and spend time with them, since I know they need me to adjust to the new context, the new house … yet I also need to do stuff for work, since unfortunately (right?) we need $$… and also I need to deal with emotions that arise, if possible, one at a time, cause it’s easier, to avoid getting overwhelmed again.. I can’t handle more than one emotion at a time, i’m not yet ready to deal with the feeling of overwhelmed … need to prioritise

So now I’m dealing with the anger…. anger at myself for not being able to get better organised… angry at me, yeah just me… maybe a bit at them cause they could play with something else.. like their toys, but I do understand the fascination with the new place and the need to at least pretend that they’re fixing it

Ok…. apparently I can’t write more than 5 words at a time…. but at least I figured out how to solve the problem: I allowed three instruments they can use, none of them that can cause any damage… so one is pretend painting with a brush and the other is measuring stuff…

So i guess I’ve solved the practical problem…

now the emotion… having allowed myself to feel it.. made it pass… I guess I could start now on what I have to do.. and I will deal with the feelings of guilt for not being better organised later, the feelings of guilt for not being able to be there for them


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