Feeling replaced…?

So I was ranting … or expressing my emotions overload … right? I mean 4 posts on emotions in one day… definitely Saturday was a bad day… but yeah, it did pass…and Sunday was a better day…. I started arranging the new apartment, sorting, and cleaning and planning …. and there are two instances I want to write about

The first one is my ex-husband that suggested that he take the kids for a whole month, as in starting now till mid September, because he’ll be away for a whole month afterwards… I got incredibly angry because I will not accept to such terms.. first of all because this one month is exactly the last month before the elder starts school and it would seriously mess him up to be a month away from me and then bam all of a sudden he starts school, his dad leaves and he moves with me… So.. I breathed and breathed and let the anger pass…. and I responded in the most assertive way… which of course led my ex-h to think and let me know that he’s aware that I’m PMDD-ing (which obviously I am… but that’s not the point… yeah yeah… PMDD explains why Saturday was so freaking difficult for me ) yet I stood my ground and explained in the most assertive yet calm way possible that this arrangement wouldn’t work for our sons… and I told him that I can let him have some extra days if he wants, but not a whole month. I also (am I a doormat??) told him that next time he’ll be away for such a long time (which will be in Dec-Jan) we can work out something, where he can have the boys for 2 weeks consecutively, or some extra week-ends or something to make up for the time …

We did come to an agreement that I can say that I’m satisfied with… which is roughly 50-50 for the next month, maybe he’ll get them an extra week-end or a couple of days during the week when I’m teaching at night.

The second thing…. really it’s silly, yet it’s not.. I feel like she’s moving in faster than I’m moving out…. I’m talking about my ex-h’s new g/f (the one with the 3 girls) … this w/e she was here, they were all here like a new blended family…and the 5 kids watched some movies together… guess which ones… the names are escaping me now but the ones with the Olsen twins at camp.. and I think the yours mine and ours.. where both the woman and the men have their own set of lots of kids and they get married and have a huge happy family…

Yeah.. my rational mind is telling me that this is a good step forward, that subliminal messages of a bright future where these two are combing their kids and forming a new family is right.. and I know that providing a stable environment is good post-divorce and blah blah… I know all this…

Yet the emotional part of me… feels replaced… I think that’s what I’m afraid of.. I think that’s the fear that I’m experiencing.. and now, writing about it causes anxiety…. replaced…. like she’s a better woman than I am… she cleans the house spotless, she cooks.. like every day, home cooked meals, she doesn’t have emotional outbursts.. or at least none that I’ve seen… she makes him happy, the kids seem ok… so yeah, replaced.. like she’ll be able to offer all of them a more stable environment… that she’ll be more understanding, and I think what really bugs me is the stuff I’m not good at: the keeping the house clean.. it’s just something I can’t do. It doesn’t mean that I live in a mess or a dump just that I can’t, I don’t have the energy to clean every day and dust… I spend the time and always have since I’m had the kids playing with them and doing stuff with them, like cooking with them, or playing with rice, or colouring, or cleaning with them (which obviously doesn’t produce the same amount of neatness.. ) or letting them do experiments (where they mix stuff together and see what happens) or build airplanes, or paint the walls.. … so yeah she’s a lot better at keeping it clean… yesterday the boys showed me that she’s cleaned their toy-room again… which… why do I feel so bad when she does that (it’s not the first time she cleans) because I know I don’t do it? do I feel like she’s better than me.. and therefore I will start comparing and list all the things I do with the kids so I can feel better because i actually spend time with the kids while she doesn’t… when they’re together the two of them and the 5 kids.. the kids roam free and ride their bikes or something outside so the adults can clean the house…

anyway…. I think that’s the main idea… I feel bad… I feel replaced.. because she can cook (once again there’re two huge pots of soup and other stuff in the fridge) why is this bothering me so much? I used to cook for the kids a lot more.. but when they started eating 2+ meals at school, I didn’t feel I had to try so hard at home for supper… and when we get home at 6 the kids want to spend time with me not see me cook for an hour… so I feel like I’m being judged for my choices.. of spending time, whichever amount that is with the kids instead of cooking and cleaning…

what if they like that ? what if they will prefer to come to their dad’s house where she’ll probably be, where there will always be cooked food and the house clean…? what if this is what they will choose?

Urgh.. replaced…

Ok rational mind, come back… or even better wise mind come, reveal yourself… I will never be replaced. I will forever be their mom, with all my imperfections… I am doing the best I can and I am working on myself and I will be ok… I am letting them express emotions and working with them through their feelings and wishes and desires…. I am a mom, good and bad, but I am the best I can be and will try harder to be better and be there for them….


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melanie
    Aug 18, 2015 @ 03:49:58

    This is such a hard patch you’re going through, and feeling replaced is something people with or without mental health conditions very commonly have to deal with in break up situations. You’re doing a really good job of venting and thinking and letting yourself become calm before you act. I applaud you x

    Liked by 1 person


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