Pinball machine indeed

I guess this day will never end… or so it feels…. apparently I can’t handle my emotions.. and he is getting frustrated at me… this must be at least the fourth time we’re fighting today… because, like my first journey post of the day… I can’t stay in the moment …. f*ck that shit.. i guess I can’t stay in the moment… whoopty doo

so i’m angry AGAIN… seriously… I want that stupid anger to be done and go away for the day…. go bug some other loser out… i’ve had enough … like seriously i’ve had enough… i feel like all i’m doing today is screwing up… omg all i’m doing today is screwing up… whoopty doo

he’s angry with me… he’s pulling away… maybe he should practice some mindfulness and deal with whatever he’s angry at… i feel like he’s just putting everything on my bpd… i mean if heaven forbid I have a tiny explosion or my tone of voice changes because i’m irritated at something, it’s the end of the world.. “i’ve seen this behaviour before” … smuck

omg i should be able to just deal with my emotions and just be perfect… f*ck that… i damn well know i’m not perfect.. i’ve been working on my perfectionism for over a year, i know i’ve made progress… so what i screw up, big fcking deal… why do we have to turn it into a catastrophe? why does every action of mine that’s not proper irritate him?

so i have shite on my head, lots of it.. and i can’t stay focused on him…. omg the world will end. won’t it?? i can’t deal with my emotions today too well…. omg it’s the end of the world isn’t it? yeah i guess it must be because he’s pulling away…. go back to your safe place where i can’t hurt you… probably best.. but the problem is that i don’t know how to come into your place and get you out.. i’m the one the pulls away and if you do too, then i just feel abandoned…

omg big freaking deal that i’m feeling abandoned…. seriously… i’m done with these emotions for the day… just done.. so i’m having a shitty day… oh well.. it will end, the day will end at some point and there will be a new one tomorrow.. and i can start fresh… so today i’m scoring high on the pinball bpd machine… whoopty doo

everyone has the right to have a bad day… well i’m having one now… full of emotions… surrounded by triggers… and overwhelmed by my current context… oh well this too shall pass… just hasn’t passed yet.. and i’m still stuck in it… in the middle … the current is pulling me under… and all i can do is write… at least i’ve got this… i can rant i can write… and it helps…

if i need to i’ll just spend the rest of the day just writing… at least this is safe, i’m not hurting anyone, at least i hope i’m not.. they’re just words… stream of consciousness coming out through my fingers….

i really am having a shitty day… but i know it will pass……


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Li
    Aug 15, 2015 @ 17:05:32

    good to know that even Dalai Lama has bad moods…



  2. Melanie
    Aug 16, 2015 @ 02:49:26

    You have a lot going on right now, is it too much to ask that people understand that and cut you some slack?
    This might sound silly, but if you find an emotion wheel online and try to pinpoint your emotions and talk to him calmly about them and why, would he perhaps see where you’re coming from? Shitty day indeed! x

    Liked by 1 person


  3. Trackback: Feeling replaced…? | Borderline & PMDD
  4. Trackback: Some days are shitty | Borderline & PMDD
  5. Trackback: I really don’t like this feeling | Borderline & PMDD

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