Fu*ck this

Apparently today is a day full of god damned emotions… it feels like it’s not going to freaking end… why would it? why would I get a break? I mean that’s just stupid… when it rains if f*king pours .. doesn’t it?

What…? It’s quite simple… apparently I am pulling away… why not? I mean things were getting better… yet here I am rambling.. again… down the path I know quite well.. pulling away, so I can “protect” myself from being hurt, from being abandoned… This is something I know how to do.. what I don’t know how to do is be.. just be with someone, just be… or maybe I know how to do that, but when the shite hits the fan, when I’m under stress or have tons of stuff on my mind I forget all my skills… Apparently that’s where I am now.. I am overwhelmed by emotions and overwhelmed by the situation that I’m in … and I feel like he’s moving away from me.. he says I’m the one pushing… maybe, I don’t know… I’m too angry I guess, angry at myself for not being able to pull my shite together… for not being able to “control” my emotions… for feeling like I have too much to do and I don’t even know where to start… He wants me to take initiative and I feel empty and lost and alone and abandoned and confused and angry…. I don’t like the anger… it’s dark and strong, and it clouds my vision… and I am writing for the third time today and I feel like I’m rambling.. and drowning in emotions that I can’t control…. and that are overpowering me and taking me under…

Why? Why can’t I just let go.. and enjoy the day with him… and also have time to do what I have to do? Because I feel guilty if I’m talking about what I need to do…. after all it’s not his problem that I have shite on my mind.. it’s my problem.. why should he be there and help? Why should he want anything but just to spend time with me? Why should he be there to tolerate me and my frustrations and most of all why should he be there to validate?

He does… he does validate.. I can’t deny that.. He validates, he listens, he walks away when the time is for him to walk away so I can deal on my own…. yet I feel like he’s also pulling away and I’m definitely not good  at calling him back to me… I mean, if he’s pulling away it means I’ve screwed up, again, and I deserve to be left alone, to be left and abandoned… I probably do deserve it… I mean after all.. i’m nothing

I really hate feeling like this… I hate that one moment I can see the light and I can be there and enjoy the connection and stay with it… and one moment it’s all gone to f*ck… and I can’t see anything else but a wish for death …. f*ck this… I hate myself for not being able to just be, to just be and be in the moment and take life as is….

I mean god damned it I know he’s been there for me.. I know he’s listened to me and validated …. then why do I want more? why do I want him to be even more understanding? why isn’t it enough? I’m selfish… probably I am selfish right now because I feel lost and I feel like I need help, I need him to just be there and understand that once again I’m going through a stressful time… but why should he be there? why should he “wait” while i’m pulling away??

It’s going to be a long day… and emotional day and I’m just hoping I can pull through … I’m guessing that I will… one way or another..

But I do hate feeling…. it was so much easier to just split.. or to argue and fight and push away and wish to die… It still feels easier.. but I will try.. I will try to feel the god damned shitty emotions and get through them… I will try to let the f*cking hate and anger just flow away…. will they? Will they turn into god damned clouds and just flow away? Or will they turn into f*king waves that will hit the shore and dissipate?

Ride the bloody wave of hate and anger… ride it and then let go

Why is it that life doesn’t just throw one emotion at a time at you so you can learn how to deal with one thing at a time?… do I hear myself? Yeah… I guess that’s what mindfulness does… so which should I pick to ride? Hate myself for not being capable of getting it together? it’s paralysing… this hate is paralysing for sure…. maybe it’s turning into fear.. fear that I won’t be able to get better… ok… ride the fear, i’ve done this before and I know it does pass.. it will get better…. once it’s gone I can deal with the rest of them….

Ride ..ride.. stay with it… stay in the moment and feel…. and it will pass. then I can think clearly and figure the next step… ride it.. stay with it.. I will be ok, This too shall pass… they all do…



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Li
    Aug 15, 2015 @ 15:36:32


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