Feelings overload

I have this section called “my journey” and that is where I unload all my emotions and cognitions and my journey through recovery…. therefore here’s another step in my journey… I’m feeling overwhelmed by so many emotions and I have the need to unpack them, so I can deal with them, as there’re so many and I’m not sure yet how to deal with them….

Here we go….

I feel angry… angry because my ex-husband isn’t keeping up his word… I was supposed to stay in our old house till July next year, so he could have time to save enough money to pay me my half of the house… but after only 4 months he’s decided that he can’t take it anymore (not sure if it’s him that can’t take it anymore or his new g/f that has 3 kids as well)… and he told me that he can pay me my half soon, as in next month or so… that’s not enough to make me angry, or as angry as I feel now…. I have a wonderful friend that saved me and I am more than grateful for that.. I’ve already started moving into her apt, but it will obviously take some time, a few days, a week.. to figure out what’s mine and what’s not, what I’m taking with, which toys, which of the boys’ clothes I’m taking… probably all of them, I don’t know…

but yeah, that’s not what’s making me so angry… it’s the fact that I figured out a way to explain to the kids .. and yesterday he, the ex-h decided that he’s figured out a schedule… where he should keep them this month (as in starting now) since he’ll be away (which isn’t news) for a whole month afterwards.. this pisses me off. I will not agree to this, there’s no way that the last month of summer vacation I’m letting them stay just with him (which isn’t going to be just the 3 of them, rather the three of them and the g/f + her 3 kids) … no, I will not let my kids stay there for a whole month and then start school directly the day they’re supposed to come to my house… I mean seriously… shouldn’t we think about them as well… isn’t it going to be traumatising to not see me a whole month and then be sent over and start school in the same time?? I will not let this happen. The divorce agreement clearly states half the time, as in alternating weeks of the month with me and with him. I will not abandon my kids for a whole month just because he’s going to be gone for a month now.. and another month and a half at the end of the year…. No, I have been understanding for 9 years while we were married and allowed him to go wherever he wanted to advance his career and leave me alone with the kids for months at a time… that’s enough. Enough. I will not let him have this

So there we go… I am very angry about this… but I will stand my ground… I will be assertive and I will put the boys’ needs first and not allow him to keep them from me for a whole month just so he can sort his own guilt shite

Ok…. how about a positive emotion now…. I am grateful, so grateful that S&S have allowed us to use their apt and we’re not homeless and we have a place to call home and we can settle here and be ok… and start being balanced and start building a life worth living for ourselves….

Back to overload…. I am also feeling a bit frustrated with my friend (lover&friend) … I don’t know why… maybe because I feel like he wants us to spend quality time together, which I also want, but I’m feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I can’t focus o that …. I can’t stay focused on the moment, with him, in his arms… because I have racing thoughts… how I’m going to arrange the new apt, what stuff I need to take from my old home, overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I need to take.. I mean… 9 years, you start collecting, and the shite starts building up.. so I have to go through everything in that house to figure out what’s mine, to figure out what I’m taking with, to figure out what I need.. what I shouldn’t leave behind… and I’m just stressed out about that… I’m stressed out about moving, about the fact that this w/e I’m not there cause ex-h is spending quality time with new g/f and the 5 kids… and there’re papers and lots of books, and lots of papers, important stuff in the house that I need to sort out and take with me.. and I’m just overwhelmed… yeah that’s the word of the day: overwhelmed..

and I DO want to chill and be mindful with my friend and spend time with him, just hold him, just be with him, look into his eyes, and have incredible sex, and connect, and reconnect and NOT pull away.. I don’t want to pull away.. but I also don’t know how to deal with what I feel I have to do .. and also spend time with him and connect… I don’t know how to just be in the moment when I feel that there’s so much shite I need to take care of… how do I just put that shite on pause and connect? …. I feel like if I don’t connect he’s going to start moving away, pull away from me… because he needs and wants to spend quality time with me… and I feel like I also need that… I want to feel close, I want to feel connected…. yet how do I do that when I’ve got racing thoughts about what needs to be done…? I am scared that I will screw it up again… it wouldn’t be the first time… not the first time I pull away  because I feel that I need to do other stuff, like sort my life out, because I’m once again in a crisis and that needs to be fixed first… and so I pull away and dis-connect… although that’s not what I want..

I know it feels good to be connected… I’ve written about it, I know and I remember what it feels like… I love how that feels… but how do I go back there? How do I manage to re-connect while still not ignoring everything that’s on my mind, all the shite that needs to be taken care of?

So… because I feel myself pulling away .. and all these racing thoughts about what’s going on and what I need to do… I am starting to feel abandoned and empty…. yeah… classical self-downing and classical suicidal ideation…. I’m quite sure, in my mind, as in my rational mind, that he’s not pulling away and not planning to leave… but yet my emotions are all over the place and my perception is distorted and because I’m under stress I obviously see that he’s the one pulling away… how do I get to that balance? that wise mind that weighs the facts against the damn emotions…….

my rational mind is telling me that he’s here, he’s helping me, he’s supportive… he’s holding me…. yet emotional mind is sooooooooo full of lots of other emotions raging from anger to sadness to gratefulness… that I can’t differentiate what’s real from what’s distorted perception… so I’m hoping I guess that by writing this down and unpacking I will see a bit more clearly the reality… and achieve some balance … so I can move on

what else am I feeling…..? lots of anxiety…. like how, how am I going to be ok? Crazy I know… but it’s an emotion that’s right there in the emotions pot with all the others.. of course.. how could anxiety miss out on the party? Anxiety that I will forever be alone.. anxiety that I’m screwing things up… again… anxiety that I will mess up the kids… anxiety that I will not be strong enough and assertive enough to keep them with me, to explain and stand my ground… anxiety and I can’t focus  on the moment.. anxiety and guilt that right now I’m focusing on me instead of connecting with my friend … guilt that I am trying to short my shite out and not connecting…… anxiety that if I do tell him that I need a few minutes for myself he’ll pull away and abandon me…

seriously…. how much emotion can I take? I know that “this too shall pass”… but I’ve been doing so good with dealing with one emotion at a time… not sure that I was ready yet to deal with so many at once…

I also feel sad… yeah obviously.. sad… I mean why sad? sad because I’m overwhelmed ? sad because I have to move ? sad because I’m taking the kids from their home where they grew up…. ? sad because I feel alone? Why alone? I’ve got my friend with me that’s here and caring and supportive… and my wonderful friends that offered their apt..? my girl friends that are always there to listen and are so supportive.. so why sad? why am I feeling sad and alone when I can clearly see that I’m not….

I have to start practicing wise mind… that should help now when I’m in such an emotions overload……

I think that’s it….. there’re probably other side-effect emotions… leftover emotions… but I can’t quite put my finger on all of them… anyway the above ones seem enough… I think I feel a bit better now that I’ve unpacked a bit….

will have to look at the stars again tonight to re-connect with the universe and bring some balance and mindfulness…

and I guess I will have to try to deal with one emotion at a a time and remember that “this too shall pass” it always does… I will figure it out, I will be ok. I will find a balance, I will be able to sort it all out and move on…. I will not let this overload knock me down, I can get back up, even if a bit shaken, but I will get better…

This is my journey and I will stay on track, because I want to be better, I want to get better…

It’s just a rough patch, and I will pull through, I will feel what I need to feel, and remember that this too shall pass.. and I will be ok. I am strong, I can do this…


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Melanie
    Aug 16, 2015 @ 02:44:25

    This is a huge change for you and your boys. HUGE. Moving house is number one on the list of most stressful things people go through, and that’s without having BPD. Your ex is also dictating to you what he will be doing with the house. Um, you’re actually IN IT, so if you’re moving out so quickly he needs to be thankful you’ve accommodated this and back the fuck up.

    When I’m overwhelmed, and have a moment to try to get my head in order, I find it helps me to sit down with a blank slate and add things I have to do to it in order of priority. Whatever I don’t have the emotional or psychological space for, or actual time for, goes on the backburner and that’s ok because I’ve made that decision and essentially people need to accept that. With so much on your plate I honestly can’t imagine your friend/lover would say “no! Don’t spend your time packing your house and boys and move! Spend all your time with me!”. I’m sure he will understand you have urgent stuff that needs attending to and may even chip in and help? It’s a fairly basic thing for him to understand, that you’re under the pump for the next month while you sort everything out.

    To Do lists always help me too, or scheduling. If you pack and sort 5 days of the week then you can schedule in time for yourself to spend whichever way you please without feeling guilty about it perhaps?

    Can you ask the kids how they would like to spend the next month? Maybe if they say to their dad they’d rather be with you for at least a few days before starting school that would make them feel better?

    It doesn’t take much to overwhelm me and you’ve got such a lot going on right now so I really empathise with you! It’s great to unload onto a blog. This too will definitely pass! One thing at a time 😀

    Liked by 1 person


    • Li
      Aug 16, 2015 @ 11:23:36

      Thank you Melanie, your words are very comforting. I will try the to do list, I think that will help to declutter my mind as well as be able to organise the next few weeks.
      Thank you 🙂 hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person


      • Melanie
        Aug 16, 2015 @ 12:54:45

        I really empathise with you, it’s hard to come down off the stress spiral hurricane high and get a foot hold in order to start making sense of things and prioritising. I know xo

        Liked by 1 person

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