Emotions overload 2

It was so therapeutic what I need.. in the last post .. that I realised that I can do more.. there’s more to unpack…

my mommy.. bless her soul, she can be so empathetic at times… yet so hurtful at the same time w/o even her knowing… we talked yesterday and I explained to her the new situation, where I am kinda forced to move out… and I’m so positive and telling her that I’m ok, I will be ok, I have wonderful friends that are there for me exactly when I need them, and I am sorting stuff out..and bless her she starts crying on the phone about how could he (ex-hus) do this to me… how could he do this to me and my children.. how could he just go back on his word and kick me out… and I try to explain to her that it’s ok, anyway I wasn’t feeling all that comfortable there and the time had probably come to move out, to start my new life… and after all I’m the one that asked for the divorce… but she’s letting it all out.. which would be ok in the context of me being balanced… but I’ve got my own emotions that I’m dealing with.. and she’s unpacking.. and she starts bad mouthing him and I say it’s ok, let it out, I understand you feel like this and it’s ok to tell me this.. as long as you don’t say all these nasty things when my children are around to hear… and she gets defensive, and I stay calm and tell her that it’s ok, she can let it all out, she can tell me all the nasty things she wants about him, I understand…

so I try to validate her emotions and she keeps going and then she moves onto my dad that was also an asshole that did that to us, to me and my sister… and obviously it does get to me… I don’t show it cause I feel that she needs me there to validate what she’s feeling.. and I let her go on.. so she’s comparing my ex-h to my dad that left us and didn’t care about us, and she was left all alone…

and yet I know that the situation isn’t exactly the same and I am aware that I left my ex-h and that I needed to find myself and regain my independence and sort my life out and build a life worth living for myself and my sons… but she’s feeling it all… it’s like the schema of her divorce is activating and she’s feeling abandoned and alone and she reminds me about how we shouldn’t trust people.. and how my ex said one thing and did another.. and I say yeah I understand… yet I’m ok with the situation, look I sorted it out, I will be ok… things will be ok.. and I believe that while I’m telling her that I will be ok, we’ll be ok… yet she still needs validation…. and she still wants to take the anger out on him and on my dad too, while she’s at it… and it makes sense that she would remember what she went through and it makes sense that yeah, when you embark on the journey of marriage and kids you’d expect that it will last forever.. it makes sense.. I can understand that… and she keeps telling me how I should keep track of the times the boys spend with me and make sure that he spends an equal amount of time with them… and if he’s going away fro 2-3 months he should make up for that time… and I’m like yeah I see your point.. yet for me, it’s not about the time to make up, I actually prefer that I take care of the boys.. after all I have to re-connect with them and correct their behaviour when they come back and stuff…. I mean especially the older one.. he tends to really believe what his dad tells him… and I can completely understand that, why wouldn’t he.. especially since I never say anything bad about him, and even explained to the boys that since he’s their dad I will always love him as their dad, it’s just that we didn’t get along, we couldn’t figure how to work together on life and that’s why we separated… but I do want them to feel like he’s part of their lives and that forever he’s going to be their dad, which is a given, I can’t change that.. i’m really trying to do things better than my folks or his folks did… it’s so painful to hear from your mom/dad about what an ass the other one is… I mean, after all they made you, how could they be an ass?

so I’m really trying to be supportive and in the same time to let her know that I’m ok, I can handle this, and I’m not going to hold a grudge… yeah… kind of hypocritical if you read my previous post.. but I KNOW that if I let my emotions and anger come out she’ll just feed on it.. and amplify it..and say yeah see, I told you I told you you shouldn’t trust people… so.. I think that in this situation it was better that I just validated and let her know that I’m dealing and that I’m ok, to give her hope that things can be better…

but as soon as I hang up I can’t just pretend that on some level she gets to me…. she does.. yeah, my anger is amplified.. and I start being unsure of myself … and I start being angry at him for doing this… Yet.. what has he done? I had to move out, I’m the one that wanted out… so here I am, out. I am angry at him because he’s trying to take the kids from me, but I’m not angry cause he’s sending me out…

or am I…? now I don’t know… has she gotten to me or was I not ok to begin with? I wish I could just tell her how I feel… and I have done that before… but it does tend to get amplified and in the end I have to pretend that it’s all good and that I’m handling it so she can calm down and breathe and relax and give her hope that it will all be ok… and it works.. at the price of me being overwhelmed and not sure how to deal with all my emotions.. and feeling leftover anger and resentment….

but seriously …. I made a decision to leave him, and I’m ok with that. Yeah, he was very cooperative with it and we divorced within a month, elegantly… and yeah… I’ve been dealing with emotions ever since… ranging from feeling abandoned because he never “fought” for me to keep me… to feeling elated because I was strong enough to say stop, to say I need to find myself and be myself and build my own life… and yeah I did ruminate a lot on how I must not have been important to him… and blah blah … but either way it doesn’t matter, it’s done, I’ve left.. whatever was b/w us is over, it’s probably been over for a very long time… just no one had the courage to say it out loud…

so.. why feel angry towards him? like the previous post, I feel angry because he wants to keep the kids away from me, because he wants to hurt me.. or maybe he does’.. maybe he’s just scared of losing his kids, the way I am.. it’s quite possible.. so I can understand that..

but my mom sees it all through the prism or her own experience of divorcing my father… and I can understand that too… I don’t know how to help her get past it.. I mean she’s been divorced from him for over 20 years now.. but she’s still got resentment… strong resentment towards him…. towards what he did to us.. although even that.. I mean I think we were better off w/o him, and yeah I wish I had a good relationship with him, but I don’t and I know that a big part of that is my fault… but I’m not there yet, to deal with this now, so I’ll put it on hold

back to the conversation with my mom…. she does get to me.. and it hurts.. but it’s not her fault. She also doesn’t have the skills and doesn’t know how to help me, and it’s ok. I’m not angry at her. I wish I could help her, I really do. I wish I could have her in my journey towards recovery, because it’s possible… I really think it’s possible to move on, to let go of the hate, the anger, to let them go and start being happy

I think I’m done with the emotions overload… at least for a while… writing this really helped.. I feel better now… unpacking really works.. dealing with shite on my own is helpful and I know that I will be ok. I trust myself to remember that it does and it will get better and that with each day I will be stronger and I will have more practice dealing and tolerating my emotions, labelling and understanding them, and letting them go….

the stars are waiting for me tonight… to re-connect with the universe .. I like that, it’s such a unique feeling… just staring into the darkness of the universe, knowing that we’re all connected… we’re all pieces of star-dust 🙂


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