Long week .. lots of emotions


So … it’s been a long week… first full week at new job… not too much time to focus on DBT.. although I have been quite good at being mindful, even if just for a short while, each day..

I’ve had quite a few notable emotions this week…

  • I felt incompetent at the job.. although after a few breaths I realised that it’s just the beginning and that nothing will work perfectly from the start .. and it’s ok to feel like that, it’s a feeling and it passes
  • … “this too shall pass” is like my new mantra, it really helps me out, especially when I’m really feeling something
  • I felt lost, empty and alone one of the days, when my friend showed me this post.. he said that there’s this blog he’s following and there’s a great post (:) mine) and it really helped to re-read it… I re-centered and remembered the mindfulness
  • of course then I had what I thought was an epiphany .. that I should write down things I need to remember… as I was telling him how I am looking forward to getting to that point where I feel something (intense emotion) and I don’t have to attach value to it… like for now I’m still at the “this emotion is so sucky, it’s so intense, and so not nice..” and I’m sure that somewhere along the way I will be able to just say “ok, I’m feeling this or that and it just is.. it’s an emotion and it will pass” without the “oh my god this is painful” bit ..
  • I felt positive emotions too… like getting really close to my friend (yeah yeah, again lots of sex 😛 but not just that)  and it felt intense (ok, here I am again with “intense” and “good” and “positive”… but I’ll get there .. to acceptance and one mindfully and wise mind in the end) … so I felt close… which of course came with intense anxiety (ok, “intense” again 🙂 and that lovely response of wishing to run away, to pull away… but I stayed, I didn’t pull away, even more so, I shared my feelings of closeness with him
  • I felt empathy… we talked about some asshole behaviour I had a few months back, when absolutely “out of the blue” I pulled away, when all he wanted was to be close to me, and I literally turned into an iceberg that didn’t move, and ran away.. and I realised how much it must have hurt him, how shitty it really was of me to behave like that and how really, actually it hurt… especially since he couldn’t understand why I was pulling away, why I was withdrawing all affection
  • I also felt anger… this came with a lot of huffing and puffing… yet keeping it all in, and staying with it (damn this was hard… ) yet somehow I managed not to take it out on anyone, and that was good, cause it did pass (this too shall pass I know)
  • I managed to stop a couple of potential fights (well, it wasn’t just me) .. he walked away and I dealt with the emotion on my own… funny thing how this works.. I stay with the emotion, let it run its course, ride it.. and once it passes I can smile again… in the past the fight would have turned ugly… and I wouldn’t have been able to smile, or be all like happy and enjoy the rest of the day… granted it’s a lot harder to do this on my own as opposed to fighting, which doesn’t make me as tired.. but I prefer this alternative
  • We realised that I actually split/dissociate a lot… just about any time something negative happens.. I dissociate and all I am left with is the negative after-taste.. yet I have no clue what the fight was about, nor the details discussed… it also turns out that I actually change suddenly when I dissociate, like my face turns to stone and I seem distant, yet hating…. interesting… perhaps if I can walk away / accept to be left alone when a fight is about to start I will dissociate less
  • Also.. apparently I feel really hot (like sweating and hot flashes) when I’m anxious (as in it’s not just the heat outside, but the emotions too)

so .. this has been an interesting week… especially since I’ve had little time to work on myself, to really focus on me… but I made it.. and I am still confident that I’m making progress (small steps are better than no steps)

I think it really helped putting all these down… so that I can re-read them.. 🙂 and maybe I’ll make a section on “things to remember” and throw in there little bits of wisdom I come across and read them every morning.. like a new mantra or mind-set for the day 🙂

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