Damn love:P turned into stream of consciousness

So here  I am sitting here trying to wrap my head around what I felt last night .. and I’m reading a bit on the topic.. and it just plainly sucks..

I’m having a hard time accepting some of the thoughts that I have or some of the emotions.. I’m quite sure that if I managed to stay, mindfully, with the thought / emotion, and accept it, as in simply accept that I am feeling / thinking this or that, it would pass by easier..

But I’m so used to attaching value to thoughts / feelings… like… I mean emotions aren’t “good” or “bad” “miserable” or “fantastic”… they just simply are… yet sometimes I feel like they’re so intense and not just intense but soooooo negative and painful… like last night I was imagining that just about anything would be less painful than what I was feeling.. like giving birth w/o anaesthesia, or getting waxed (which is something I don’t do) or getting a full body tattoo or anything that involved pain (lasting pain) would be easier to tolerate than the emotions & stuff..

I tried my usual… stick with it,, but my thoughts were racing trying to pull me away from the emotion… my mind was wondering, I was planning the following day, I was doing anything but staying focused on the damn emotion… And I know that if i manage to stick it out, to ride it, it does pass… If i manage to just let it flow, just observe it (yeah yeah core mindfulness skills) if i manage to do that, if i manage not to judge it and then of course judge myself for judging it 🙂 I know it gets better.. if I manage to stay with it and treat it as a cloud that just passes by, simply observe, non-judgementally, I can let it go…

Yet last night that didn’t work… I ended up sort of giving up in the end… cause I was actually exhausted from trying and tired anyway …. quite clearly because I never resolved the issue yesterday… today, as I’m writing I’m re-living.. and I’m also having a hard time staying with it…

and then I read an article like this one intimacy issues BPD which give like no hope for love & healthy relationships…

The fact is, a person in the throes of Borderline Personality Disorder is incapable of adult emotional intimacy, because the very nature of the disorder decrees that they have not matured enough emotionally to the degree that is required to have emotionally healthy adult intimacy. They are caught in a cycle of emotional Push/Pull, or “love-hate.”

and this one bpd love that makes me doubt if I’ve only been nice to my friend because I want him to love me

 The Borderline carries tremendous toxic shame from never having felt worthy of love since infancy/early childhood. They’ve lived with sensations of having to buy a parent’s love (getting ’em expensive gifts, visiting when they really don’t want to, etc.) to gain approval and acceptance. They’ve done this with you, as well. Each time they’ve acted adorable, generous and seductive, it’s to get their deep need for validation met–which has nothing to do with You.

and I just start wondering if everything that I have been doing …. being there for various people, friends, family.. is simply because I think that this way they might love me.. that they might accept me… that they might be there for me? and then I pull away just before they ever get the chance to be there for me? and I’m always afraid to show the “real me” because they might leave… ?

I’m seriously doubting everything now…. and how stupid is it that I need to be loved? or is it stupid? i don’t even know.. like my whole reality is changing and I don’t know what’s “normal” and what’s not..

Yet … the need for love is a natural normal thing…the  need to belong is also natural “he term “belonging” has various meanings. Two major meanings are “possession” and “acceptance as a natural part.”

so maybe really all I want is to be accepted the way I am.. with all my faults.. with my shortcomings, with my failures, with my trying to get better…. and if that’s what I actually need… then I think there are a few people that are there for me in that sense… or are they? and if they are… why are they? and if they’re not.. why should it matter? I will treat them just as nicely and be there for them

… according to “Understanding the Psychology of Guilt” on eruptingmind.com, most children were taught from a young age to seek approval from their parents for the things they said or did. Since the need for approval, love and acceptance from our parents is strong, we become conditioned over time to seek approval from others as well. Whenever we don’t receive approval from someone who is not our parent, there is an automatic trigger and desire to win it back (which could explain the yearning to open that closed door).

This black and white view of others is also mirrored in their view of themselves. Moskovitz explains that as a Borderline “When you are good, you may feel entitled to special treatment and live outside the rules made for others. You may feel entitled to take whatever you wish and to have everything good all to yourself. When you are bad, you may feel entitled to nothing. You may feel responsible for all that is evil and expect punishment. If punishment does not come, you may invite it from others or inflict it on yourself”

So here I am… not sure what I’m feeling, or actually I am sure of what I’m feeling, but I feel stupid for wanting to be loved and cared for and appreciated, and hugged, and held, and be told nice things….. and like cognitively I can accept that simply wanting to be loved will not make it happen, and it’s not within my control…

Oh well…. this too shall pass… I’m not good at asking for help

So i’m trying to figure this out on my own I guess… riding it… letting it all out…. this too shall pass and I will figure out a way to learn to ride and accept my thoughts and feelings .. and stop judging myself for simply having emotions…

I mean seriously… emotions just are 🙂


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