Something else I don’t want to forget (*trigger warning)

So there I was yesterday with him (friend & lover) and we were just enjoying ourselves, fooling around, being silly… when he said something that was meant to be an inside joke… but that hit me to the core…

I went straight to self-downing… to feeling empty, and feeling like I’m nothing… the downward spiral (I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about) of self loathing… it was a mixture of intense fear…

“My mind turned in on itself, as it had so often in the past. Swelling, sweeping emotions, building to a crescendo, virtually screamed in my ear. My heart was pounding”

Excerpt From: Rachel Reiland. “Get Me Out of Here.” iBooks.

We have this understanding… that if I am starting to feel something intense, he lets me be.. so I can stay with the emotion, so I can ride it on my own till it passes… So I tried.. I was with it, feeling the fear, feeling the heaviness of the emptiness, the nothingness that I was, that I mattered to no-one, that I could have as well been gone and no one would care, that everything was a joke to everyone else, I was a joke, I was nothing… wave3

And it was intense… I could feel my head pounding, my body heavy… and I tried to tell myself that “this too shall pass”.. and nothing… it was intense and I was having a hard time riding it … I was drowning…

He could tell that I wasn’t doing so great.. and asked if he could help. I said no, I just need some more time, since apparently this is a big one..

I don’t know how many minutes went by, with me trying hard to stay with the emotion, to ride it out… but the thoughts were so overpowering, I was nothing, I meant nothing to anyone, to no one…

At some point I said.. ok.. I can’t do this. I’m not ready to confront a core emotion just yet. It’s too difficult. I can’t do it. Let’s try distraction… I failed but it’s ok, I can handle the thought that his time, at this moment I can’t do this.. I’ve done other emotions, but this, this and the core self-downing .. I’m not ready for it…

So he tried talking to me… but I was like a stone… like a stone thrown in the water that was still sinking…

At some point I asked him if I have been speaking.. because there was a hurricane of thoughts going on in my mind and I was splitting apparently as I wasn’t sure if the thoughts had turned into words and I had really f*cked things up again… I kept thinking that ….well good for you, you’ve done it again.. you were getting close to him, feeling safe, and loving, and happy… and bam! abandonment came over you and you pushed him away like you always do, don’t let anyone get close…

To my surprise he said that I hadn’t uttered a word… so I thought wow… all that was just in my head? ok… give me a few more minutes then…

And I stuck it out again… let the hurricane of stupid self-downing thoughts do their thing… and they were all over the place, barraging me … you’re nothing, you mean nothing, you can’t be happy, you’re stupid, look, you were having a good time but you can’t keep it up, you’ll fail, you’re nothing…. wave

and then… like when you come out from swimming under water, you come up for air… the thoughts started clearing…. and with each breath they were leaving… the wave had finally reached the shore and it was breaking… and I was coming up for air… and with each breath, the thoughts were leaving…

after all… they’re just thoughts…

weird how this time the thoughts that caused the intense emotion finally did dissipate…. this too shall pass.. how true is that?

I was really proud of myself… first of all for managing not to speak… I mean… seriously… how many times have I let those self-downing thoughts turn into words that end up hurting everyone and most of all me, cause it doesn’t end… once they turn into words they just grow in intensity and the fear just makes them more cutting …

This too shall pass… and it did … I know I can get better

Excerpt From: Rachel Reiland. “Get Me Out of Here.”:

“And it’s my fault, isn’t it?” I interrupted.
“I didn’t say it’s your fault, honey. It’s just that … well, I’ve got to get some stuff done.” I began to twist the phone cord around my finger, tempted to wrap it around my neck.
“I’m a real pain in the ass, aren’t I? You’re pissed, aren’t you?” Tim tried to keep his patience, but I could still hear him sigh.
“Please, Rachel. I’ve got to make a living.”
“Like I don’t do anything around here? Is that it? Like I’m some kind of stupid housewife who doesn’t do a goddamned thing? Is that what you’re getting at?” Another sigh.
“Okay. Look, sweetheart. I’ve got to do this presentation this afternoon because it’s too late to cancel. But I’ll see if I can reschedule the annuity guy for tomorrow. I’ll be home by four o’clock, and I’ll help you clean up the house.”
“No, no, no!”

“I was beginning to cry.
“What now?”
“God, Tim. I’m such an idiot. Such a baby. I don’t do a thing around this house, and here I am, wanting you to help me clean. I must make you sick.”
“You don’t make me sick, sweetheart. Okay? You don’t. Look, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to go.”
The tears reached full strength. The cry became a moan that turned to piercing screams. Why in the hell can’t I control myself? The man has to make a living. He’s such a good guy; he doesn’t deserve me—no one should have to put up with me!
“Rachel? Rachel? Please calm down. Please! Come on. You’re gonna wake up the kids; the neighbors are gonna wonder what in the hell is going on. Rachel?”
“Fuck you! Is that all you care about, what the neighbors think? Fuck you, then. I don’t need you home. I don’t want you home. Let this fucking house rot; let the fucking kids starve.”

Excerpt From: Rachel Reiland. “Get Me Out of Here.” iBooks.


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