Damn panic

I can’t shake it off… I had almost a week w/o the kids and was doing so well with exercising the emotions… And now all I’ve been feeling is panic..

I tried sticking with it…but I can’t…mostly because I couldn’t just take “time out ” from the kids to truly feel it till it’s done…when I did tell them that I needed 5 minutes, all I could think of was that I’m a terrible mom… I kept trying to ride it, to figure out exactly what I was feeling and why…

The panic came back again… I don’t like it… I feel that although yeah I know that I have been a pretty good mother I think….now I don’t know what to do…. I’m panicking that I have not explained the divorce well enough that I haven’t helped them process it well enough… And of course I’m panicking about what their dad does and tells them… Like the other day they asked if I loved their dad and I said yes in my own way since he is their father… And they said ok but he doesn’t love you anymore. And then they wanted to know if that makes me sad or something. 
So I’m overwhelmed by panic… Fear that I am screwing my kids up.. Fear that I don’t know how to handle them…fear that I don’t know how to react…fear that although I really have been good with them I might end up screwing my relationship with them … 

I really have to be patient with myself… And I really have to cut myself some slack…. I have offered them validating environment, lots of love, acceptance, support… And I’m seriously trying really hard to help them adjust to the divorce, being positive and encouraging them to like spending time and having fun with their dad and keeping him on a positive light, simply saying that I didn’t get along with him anymore because we didn’t know how to solve our problems…

So I am really trying to be there for them…to avoid what I felt when my parents got divorced and my dad became a “villan” I don’t want my kids to ever hate their dad, no matter what my beef is with him…

Seems like this writing exercise is helping me with the panic… Gotta keep at it… Gotta stick to it…gotta persevere 

Seriously… Damn perfection… I m human… I’m allowed to screw up :p or to at least not do stuff perfectly 


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Li
    Jul 29, 2015 @ 09:40:40

    seriously…..again!? 4am and I don’t know how to shake it off..ended up going outside and looking at the stars… it was beautiful but it wasn’t working for me… so I started counting the stars… that worked quite well for a while….
    writing really helps and I want to thank everyone who’s taking the time to read my posts… it helps knowing that I’m not alone…
    gotta find some better strategies for dealing with this panic..



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