Tough moment…


so here I am enjoying a nice evening with my girlfriends and my ex-husband asks me in his typical non-direct way “are you going to be home in august” which translates into “I want to bring my girlfriend home and I need you out”  I ask how long and he’s like, well like a week or so… (we had a civilised divorce where we still live under the same roof… for a while, until we can split the house money wise)

Of course I get mad.. especially since I really like his girlfriend and have told him that I don’t have a problem with her being here… but he does, or she does I don’t know… so the bottom line is that for her to be here I’d have to not be here

So I get mad… the pre-potent answer of course.. and tell him that fine, he can have the house and I’ll move out…(yeah black and white thinking) and he writes back that well that’s not what he meant, but I’m already angry… and all i can say is..that fine I’ll move out, I’ll move out….and then i realise that i can’t handle it so i say ok I’m ending this conversation now and I’ll think about it

so I cut the evening short with my friends and cry all the way home, really allowing the god damn sadness to take over… and ride the bloody thoughts of suicide and of how everyone’s lives would be better without me and how i’m nothing.. the whole spiral…emptiness, self-downing… and i keep saying how it really sucks to feel like this and i want it to stop and how i wish i had a DBT therapist to just call and help me out, and help me calm down and see things clearly… but i don’t.. i’m so alone… and this is my problem…

so i can’t push the emotions away… i ride them and really feel them… they really sucked… big time..

and then… at some point i guess the ride was over

and i decided that i can be assertive… so i think about it…. i think about how to write an assertive message… and i do it … and i tell him that the divorce was civilised and that i have the right to be in the house and that if he wants to spend time with her i don’t have a problem, he can do it here or at her place.. and i tell him that i would prefer if he just came out and asked what he wanted instead of going around, which activates me emotionally …… and …. it worked. i felt really good about myself because i expressed my needs, he responded ok-ish… but i stuck to my short and to the point explanation and the conversation was ok and the conclusion was positive…

and most importantly i somehow managed to handle this on my own and even be assertive… yeei for me

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