31 DAYS OF BPD: DAY 6: HOW’S YOUR LOVE LIFE?


…. well I recently got divorced after 9 years…. I started then a relationship with a much younger man (13 years younger) that went quite well for a while..

love life…. a bit of a funny concept.. as I’m quite good at the beginning… quite great at getting people to like me, as I can be so charming and flirty and I tend to be so present and involved and match their interests and support their dreams.. (I have a long history at helping my boyfriends get to they need to professionally… as I am sooo “understanding” at putting their needs first… a door mat really… “yeah go on that expedition, or yea take that job as it will be so good for your career.. it’s ok, I can handle being on my own, I can handle not seeing you or spending time with you … your career is very important.. )

so yeah, I’m lovely in the beginning, flirty, fun…but when they want to get closer I panic and retreat… fear of being abandoned of course… and love, what is that? allowing yourself to feel, that would mean that I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable, that I’m letting people in, that I’m not “in control” (of what, really?) that I’m loosing my independence… that I’m weak (yeah weak) here I go again… trying to explain myself… remember how she approved of some people… well my ex husband was one of them… but given that I wasn’t allowed to feel your feelings aren’t important, which lead to emptiness  …

so yeah good in the beginning, great at starting but not so good at following up… that’s where “my love life” is..I am good at running away…

so bottom line is that I am working on myself now, trying to figure out this BPD and the adjacent lovely PMDD before I can fully enter a relationship again..

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