a moment of emptiness & guilt


I guess I knew that these kind of moments would come… I feel empty… alone, and empty.. Alone is not so bad as I have time to think about myself, and I can really focus on the moments, as they come, and be alone with my thoughts .. and write..

But the emptiness…not to great… I feel…. I feel guilty… yeah, I think that’s the emotion that I’m experiencing now.. I took today for myself, and did rest, and ate lots of fruit, and veggies.. and rested, and relaxed… and now I’m overtaken by guilt…

Guilt and emptiness…. like nothing I do matters… why would it? Everything’s done for the sake of being done, I’m disappointed… I feel like why should I bother when the others don’t, they’re not going to rush to get things done, why should I rush? Just because I have a perfectionism problem… ? I’m working on it… these last few months have taught me that perfectionism doesn’t exist, and look I’m still here, even though I’ve f*cked up quite a bit lately, in spite of my always trying to control everything and do stuff perfectly.. I can feel myself getting frustrated…

Ok… let’s take a moment..

paced breathing helps… in two three four, out two three four five six..

distracting helps (like I just checked a reply from book depository as they forgot to dispatch my books) … I saw a video of dr Linehan that talked about distraction and how it really actually works for BPDs… she knows what she’s talking about..

although sometimes I find it easier to stick it out, to ride the emotion, the pain, the whatever is going on and just tell myself that it’s ok, I can handle this, just ride it, it will pass…

but emptiness… not sure how to ride it…

and guilt, oh how I hate guilt.. oh how I know guilt.. it’s probably one of those emotions I’ve really learned to experience ever since I was small… because I was always blamed for everything that ever happened, even stuff that had nothing to do with me, like the neighbours’ kids doing something stupid.. like other kids tripping and falling in the water… just anything… like liking someone and trying to be friends with her / him… She made me feel guilty for trying to have fun… for combing my hair and putting on a ribbon.. made me feel guilty when I got a slightly less than perfect grade, made me feel guilty for being alive…

I guess I’m not so empty… look at all the stuff that’s coming out 🙂 distraction helps.. but remembering all the reasons why guilt is such a big part of my life angers me… I should be able to get over it, to say stop, don’t keep feeling guilty, you’re human, you’re allowed to f*ck up, you’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to CHOOSE for yourself, even if the choices aren’t perfect, but you’re allowed to make them

the other night my 6-year-old told me he can’t sleep, cause he’s got ugly thoughts… Like always (since it’s not the first time) I tell him that he needs to think about something else.. that he’s the one in control of his own thoughts since they are his and just let those ugly ones go, and think new ones.. I’m always surprised that it works.. he can think new thoughts, good, calm, positive ones… At first, when he first asked me to, he couldn’t do it, so I walked him through a scenario, something nice that happened that day, and I made him imagine and relive with all the colours and smells and stuff and then he continued by himself, with the new thoughts …….. so…. I guess it’s possible, if you start early… or maybe it’s possible for me too, just gotta practice what I preach and practice and practice and allow myself to fail and get back! and keep going

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Recent Posts: MAKE BPD STIGMA-FREE!

What you SHOULD say to someone with BPD – BPD and Me

Source: What you SHOULD say to someone with BPD – BPD and Me

What NOT to say to someone with BPD – BPD and Me

Source: What NOT to say to someone with BPD – BPD and Me

What is Borderline Personality Disorder and what you shouldn’t say to someone with it | Metro News

Source: What is Borderline Personality Disorder and what you shouldn’t say to someone with it | Metro News

Recent Posts: DBT Peer Connections

Respecting Emotion & Regulating Emotion: An Introduction to Checking the Facts

Emotions are like a sixth sense because like sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell, they give us important information about our environment that we need to survive. What makes emotions so special is that they help us to act quickly when logical thought is too slow for us to engage in problem-solving. (See Situations below.) However, for people who may be unusually emotionally reactive, sensitive, or have learned to judge or invalidate their emotional sixth sense from culture, values, gender roles, parents, family, loved ones, etc., emotions may not always cause the expected effective response. Therefore, dialectical behavior therapy came up with the skill checking the facts to help us figure out if our emotional responses fit the facts and intensity of a situation and whether an unwanted or distressing emotion needs skills toward accepting and changing or skills toward accepting and tolerating.

Consultation Team Agreements for DBT Peer Support Specialists

Adapted from the Linehan Board of Certification by Rachel Cara Gill For DBT Peer Connections Facebook Group Administrators Consultation Team All DBT Connections Facebook Group Administrators are required to complete the FREE DBT Skills Training E-course prior to joining the consultation team Request to join DBT Peer Connections Facebook Skills Support Group as a general […]

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 868 other followers

Follow Borderline & PMDD on WordPress.com

Goodreads

Blog Stats

  • 11,866 hits

Community

%d bloggers like this: