a moment of emptiness & guilt

I guess I knew that these kind of moments would come… I feel empty… alone, and empty.. Alone is not so bad as I have time to think about myself, and I can really focus on the moments, as they come, and be alone with my thoughts .. and write..

But the emptiness…not to great… I feel…. I feel guilty… yeah, I think that’s the emotion that I’m experiencing now.. I took today for myself, and did rest, and ate lots of fruit, and veggies.. and rested, and relaxed… and now I’m overtaken by guilt…

Guilt and emptiness…. like nothing I do matters… why would it? Everything’s done for the sake of being done, I’m disappointed… I feel like why should I bother when the others don’t, they’re not going to rush to get things done, why should I rush? Just because I have a perfectionism problem… ? I’m working on it… these last few months have taught me that perfectionism doesn’t exist, and look I’m still here, even though I’ve f*cked up quite a bit lately, in spite of my always trying to control everything and do stuff perfectly.. I can feel myself getting frustrated…

Ok… let’s take a moment..

paced breathing helps… in two three four, out two three four five six..

distracting helps (like I just checked a reply from book depository as they forgot to dispatch my books) … I saw a video of dr Linehan that talked about distraction and how it really actually works for BPDs… she knows what she’s talking about..

although sometimes I find it easier to stick it out, to ride the emotion, the pain, the whatever is going on and just tell myself that it’s ok, I can handle this, just ride it, it will pass…

but emptiness… not sure how to ride it…

and guilt, oh how I hate guilt.. oh how I know guilt.. it’s probably one of those emotions I’ve really learned to experience ever since I was small… because I was always blamed for everything that ever happened, even stuff that had nothing to do with me, like the neighbours’ kids doing something stupid.. like other kids tripping and falling in the water… just anything… like liking someone and trying to be friends with her / him… She made me feel guilty for trying to have fun… for combing my hair and putting on a ribbon.. made me feel guilty when I got a slightly less than perfect grade, made me feel guilty for being alive…

I guess I’m not so empty… look at all the stuff that’s coming out 🙂 distraction helps.. but remembering all the reasons why guilt is such a big part of my life angers me… I should be able to get over it, to say stop, don’t keep feeling guilty, you’re human, you’re allowed to f*ck up, you’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to CHOOSE for yourself, even if the choices aren’t perfect, but you’re allowed to make them

the other night my 6-year-old told me he can’t sleep, cause he’s got ugly thoughts… Like always (since it’s not the first time) I tell him that he needs to think about something else.. that he’s the one in control of his own thoughts since they are his and just let those ugly ones go, and think new ones.. I’m always surprised that it works.. he can think new thoughts, good, calm, positive ones… At first, when he first asked me to, he couldn’t do it, so I walked him through a scenario, something nice that happened that day, and I made him imagine and relive with all the colours and smells and stuff and then he continued by himself, with the new thoughts …….. so…. I guess it’s possible, if you start early… or maybe it’s possible for me too, just gotta practice what I preach and practice and practice and allow myself to fail and get back! and keep going


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